


your love, like chocolate ganache (like surrendering)

by TastefullyIlliterate



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bakery, Awkward Tsukishima Kei, Banter, Childhood friends to strangers to lovers, Christmas, Christmas Eve, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Morning, Confident Tadashi Yamaguchi, Crying Tsukishima Kei, Cute Yamaguchi Tadashi, Denial of Feelings, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nonbinary Nishinoya Yuu, Nonbinary Sugawara Koushi, POV Alternating, POV Tsukishima Kei, POV Yamaguchi Tadashi, Punk Yamaguchi Tadashi, Trans Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Yamaguchi Tadashi's Freckles, by god i will FIX TSUKKIYAMA'S RELATIONSHIP, its the world's first sad bakery au, no beta we die like me when i finished this fic, now featuring: gay panic, slightly queerplatonic Tadashi Yamaguchi/Sugawara Koushi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:00:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 37,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27860393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TastefullyIlliterate/pseuds/TastefullyIlliterate
Summary: If Kei cried like gold, like sunlight on skin, like crowns of strawberry blond hair- then Tadashi smiles like cinnamon, smiles like chocolate ganache, smiles like liquid moonlight.Or maybe they've gotten it switched, mismatched everything all along.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Nishinoya Yuu & Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Nishinoya Yuu & Tsukishima Kei, Sugawara Koushi & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 47
Kudos: 72





	1. maybe we've been (a little guarded)

**Author's Note:**

> AAAAA ITS HEREEEE hello!!! how are you? happy? not for long <3 <3 /lh, j
> 
> i made a playlist for this fic [here!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4xEzxXsyG1oUSG4nuUsJTM) with all the songs from this fic!
> 
> (the song from the lyrics in chapter 1 is us by keshi!!) 
> 
> folks!! its here!! the very first ever bittersweet, kinda-sad bakery au!! there's a couple surprises in here that I won't put into the tags until after the chapter's out, and they all make me so happy. I saw how deeply dysfunctional tsukkiyama was and saw how the fandom rarely properly fixes their relationship before putting them together so,, here i am!! each chapter is at least 6k, and it'll update every Thursday for 5 weeks!
> 
> enjoy!

Of  _ course _ , the universe would find some sort of grand, cosmic scheme to bite Kei in the ass.

Kei was coming out of the back when he heard everything quiet down, draw back, before exploding in shouting and laughing and sounds of all sorts of excited surprise; he could hear the name, knew exactly who it was they were clearly greeting, but he couldn't  _ believe _ it. It’s been years since they’ve spoken, and now he’s  _ back _ ? Had two years truly gone by that fast? He hesitates for a couple moments, debating whether or not he should go back up to the front of the bakery- whether he  _ could _ . He knew just what he was going to hear, who he was going to  _ see _ , but denied himself the possibility. Whether it was the possibility of hope or heartbreak, he wasn’t entirely sure- until he heard his mother, Marumi, calling him. Of  _ course _ they’d call him if it was who he was thinking about but  _ dammit _ , he really was hoping it wasn’t who he thought it was, hoping to have had a bit more time, a preamble, a warning, perhaps a day or a month or a  _ year _ in advance, so he could know just when and where to avoid. 

He hated the idea of seeing him again, but hated even more going another day without seeing his face. 

Regardless of what he hates and doesn't, his mom is still calling him now, so now he definitely knows Kei’s there. He takes a deep breath, in, out, almost like a secret promise to himself. A secret promise to stay composed, stay hidden even as he steps out and lets the light from the bakery’s windows wash over him and make him look so  _ pale _ like it always did back when they were still talking- lwhenever they’d come in to do homework together, back when they were still kids. But now here he is. Taking step after step after step, slowly, surely, going into the front of the store,  _ goddamnit _ , he looks the same and completely different from the last time they’d met-

“Hello, Kei.” 

_ God, I hate your voice so much. I missed your voice so much. I hate you. I miss you. _

“Still think plaid scarves suit you, Tadashi?”

Tadashi smiles and laughs, and Kei has to hold back everything and nothing at all to stop himself from laughing along with him, from turning around and running away, from running forward and giving him a hug, from breaking down and crying, from building up and falling apart all at once.

“Missed you too, Kei.”

Ah, Tadashi could always read his mind. Kei still doesn’t know if he loves or hates it, after all these years.

“Home for Christmas?”

“For Christmas, yeah, then I’ll be back in March with a degree!”

Tadashi grins, and something inside Kei dissolves and explodes into existence at the same time. It breaks down and builds itself up, shatters and rips apart and lays strewn across the tile floor of his family-owned bakery, pulls itself together and rises into some sort of tower tall enough to surely touch the skies. He isn’t entirely sure if Tadashi returning is what breaks or fixes him. Maybe both. Maybe neither. Maybe he’s been broken all along, maybe he’s been waiting to be shattered. Maybe he wasn’t whole in the first place, maybe Tadashi leaving is what broke him. Maybe if he stayed, he would’ve broken regardless. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Kei can’t tell if he’s broken or not. Can’t tell if Tadashi coming home is what’ll help or hurt him. Can’t tell if he wants him to. Does Kei want Tadashi to help him? Does he want Tadashi to hurt him? Does he  _ expect _ his help, expect his pain? Maybe he shouldn't expect either. Maybe he should expect both, to be broken while he tries to help him heal.

Maybe it’s all the “maybes” that breaks him.

“Don’t expect a family discount anymore, Tadashi.” Kei says, keeping his face completely schooled while his mother and brother look at them both almost  _ expectantly _ , as if they had anticipated some sort of crash, some sort of surge, something  _ breaking _ . 

_ God, this is going to be a very difficult Christmas. _

“I don't think you’ve ever actually given me a discount in our entire lives.” Tadashi chuckles, and Kei notices his hair is a bit shorter than he remembered it being- he must’ve waited too long to get a haircut, or something. 

“That’s cause you barely even bought shit. You just walked in and made it with me.”

“Hey! In my defense I was always better at mixing the dry ingredients and you always used to do the wet ones. We made a good team, and it tasted better like that.”

“Thats ‘cause we barely ever fucking switched which ingredients we did.”

“You would always win rock paper scissors.”

“You literally always played paper.”

“I like routine, what can I say?”

Kei hates the way he smirks, the way he can’t even fucking  _ fight  _ it, the way he feels so  _ happy  _ getting to see Tadashi smile again. He hates it, hates how deeply he aches, almost as familiar as Tadashi’s crooked grin like marshmallows and the end of a road trip- he’s home, they’re both  _ home.  _ It cuts into him, the two years of distance, like it’s been chipping away at him and drawing back only to plunge all at once into his chest all at once, like blades, every single second, piercing every part of him that he’d let Tadashi take with him, pushed away to leave with Tadashi, pushed  _ Tadashi _ away.

“Nice to see you, or whatever.” 

Kei waves as he turns and walks away, feels the tiles under his feet take him further and further away. He hates it, he loves it,  _ needs _ it- to return to that distance, the one he’d let  _ so much  _ go to get accustomed to, let so much go to easily transition to.

He reminds himself that every step he takes away from Tadashi means  _ nothing.  _ He tells himself it’s nothing, Tadashi returning is  _ nothing _ , they both were  _ nothing _ , because that's what two years does. It erases everything, which is why all feelings Kei has and ever will have no longer exist, and he feels  _ nothing _ as he walks away. Nothing, nothing,  _ nothing _ .

Kei spent the rest of the day in the back of the bakery pushing away his own thoughts, drowning in the music that trickled through the speaker of the bakery- the speaker connected to his Spotify, and Kei would always switch the playlists for on different days of the week. Today is a Monday. Monday’s playlist was love songs and indie rock that flowed into the bakery in bright greens, pastel yellows, cinnamon browns, laughter, teasing, banter, crooked smiles.

Kei spent the rest of the day pushing away his thoughts of bright greens, pastel yellows, cinnamon browns, laughter, teasing, banter, crooked smiles.

  
  


_ \----- _

  
  


Kei was six when he’d met Tadashi.

It was in his bakery, the one  _ everyone _ knew because it was old, old, old. It was with his family for four generations, and everyone expected him or his brother to be the fifth. He remembers every day how he’d used to walk straight from school to Tsukishima Bakery, the one everyone always sees on the same street, a constant despite the changing, growing times. He’d go there and do his homework every day in the break room, and keep his distance from his family’s employees- more out of habit than anything. Back then, his mother would never put any music with any cuss words in the songs they’d play at the bakery. Now, as their customers get younger and younger and older and older at the same time, the older folks are here for nostalgia and the younger folks are here to escape, and they do their best to make the music accommodate both purposes. Regardless, it wasn’t until he was in highschool that they’d start playing music without paying attention to what the lyrics were as much as they thought about how they’d make the customers  _ feel _ . But until then, it was always soft, sweet, kind songs that felt as warm as the bread whenever they would open on weekends and Kei got to help out. The music acted sort of like a guide for Kei, whenever he’d do his homework. Eventually it became the only thing that would let him work- music, sometimes, lo-fi, sometimes indie, sometimes just anything he could find on the radio. Always there to steady him and soothe his mind, take any place he’s in and make it feel like home, like warm bread, baking pastries.   
  


It was sort of like a compass, leading him home from school to the bakery every weekday and one spring day, that same compass was urging him out to the front to work by the window and watch the people pass by. On the one day where he decided to change something, the one day his mother’s music took him and his homework to a small corner seat by the window, was the one day Tadashi’s family had been exploring new bakeries to buy for a dozen pastries to take to his grandmother over the weekend.

He didn’t hear Tadashi’s mother telling him to go get them a seat, so they could have some pastries for themselves before they took the rest of their order to their family. He didn’t really look up from his homework until Tadashi had already set his backpack down on a table to reserve it for his family, then walked straight up to Kei.

“Hey, we go to the same school right?”

Kei was only eight years old. He had no grasp on the concept of protecting himself from his own emotions, no idea that the way he’d reply would change the course of his life. He just wanted to finish up the last of his homework early so he could ask the employees to sneak him one of the rose pastries before his mother switched off of cashier duty with one of the other workers.

“Yeah. We do.”

Everything was much simpler back then.

  
  


\-----

  
  


Tadashi told Kei’s mother he’d be spending his winter break living with his family, which meant they’d once again be living that same block away from each other that they used to walk effortlessly growing up together. It was a foreign and familiar distance- one he recognizes but feels so different than before. He adapted to that unimaginable distance- feeling less like they were apart and more like they were nothing. Just a painful memory, one he could walk away from and forget, push away, easily just dismiss and move on from. Now he’s once again a block away, a simple walk- a warm and welcoming, yet cold and foreboding presence sitting a simple walk away from him.. It felt too real and too fake all at once. Too good and too painful to be true, like Tadashi returning in the first place.

Naturally, he goes about the next day pretending like nothing happened at all.

But Tadashi shows up on a cold Thursday morning wrapped in cotton scarves and Christmas wrapping - like a warm, soft present. But like any present received two weeks before Christmas, too  _ soon _ . Kei’s working the register, of course, on the one time where he thought Tadashi wouldn't have anticipated he’d work - early in the morning, and speaking to people.

“Hey, can I get one of those danishes? Raspberry ones, like the ones we used to make together?”

_ The ones we used to make together.  _ Tadashi’s words wash over him and smack him in the face, they stab Kei, reach inside and pull out the memories he did everything he could to forget, fuck,  _ damnit- _

“How many?”

“One, please.”

Kei doesn’t say a word as he rings up Tadashi’s order, feeling his kind gaze on him like warm hugs and smiles, like knives cutting at his arms, shoulders, moving up to his neck, his cheeks, his  _ face- _

  
  


\-----

  
  


After the first time they’d met, Tadashi started coming over to the bakery much more often. He started joining Kei on his walk straight to the bakery after school, and stayed in the corner of the bakery by the front window while they worked, until eventually Kei just said to go into the back with him. Tadashi agreed, albeit nervous.

“You sure your mom won’t mind?”

“I think she’ll just be happy I have a friend to bring here in the first place. But don’t bother the workers, they’re there to take breaks.”

“O-okay.” Tadashi had said, as they set down their backpacks to get started on their homework.

They spent their days after school like that, holed up in Kei’s family bakery together, for two months. They spent weekends there too, sometimes at the park or playground, but had mostly let the hours of the day sweep them like fall leaves into the bakery, into that break room, until one sweet Saturday, bright gold and amber like sunshine and honey, dripped down, down, down- into Kei’s mother’s smile, who guides them out of the breakroom where they were playing with legos and into the bakery, telling them to wash their hands.

“Mama, what’re you doing?” Kei asked her.

“You or your brother will be owning this shop one day. I’m teaching you how to bake now, so you can bake well into when you’re a grown up, or an old man. Even if you don’t end up with the bakery, everyone around you will end up with such a lovely friend named Kei who has amazing baking skills! Tadashi-chan, do you wanna help too?” Marumi pecks Kei’s forehead (to which he scrunches up his nose,  _ embarrassing, Mama) _ , before turning to Tadashi.

“I wanna help, Tsukki-san!” Tadashi nodded, and they got to work preparing to bake. 

She had them both wash their hands and gave them aprons that were too big for them, until she just used the strings to tie them back sort of like dresses, and set up two of the chairs from the front of the shop inside the kitchen, and laid out all the ingredients for them.

“Okay, rock -paper-scissors for who does wet and dry ingredients! Winner gets wet ingredients.” She said.

They faced each other with their hands in front of their chests, and looked at each other. 

“Rock,” Marumi grins, and they slammed their fists onto their palms.

“Paper,” Kei noticed that Tadashi has a lot of freckles, even on his arms. And his smile is kinda crooked. And his eyes are big and bright. And his hair is bouncy-

“Scissors!”

_ He’s kinda cool _ . Kei thought to himself.

  
  


\-----

  
  


When Tadashi walks out of the shop that chilly Thursday morning, Kei feels like he’d been holding his breath for the entire five minutes he had been inside, waiting for his order.

The day after that, Tadashi returns again, looking like the smell of nutmeg swaddled in soft, beige scarves and sifted cinnamon sitting on his cheeks like he put his freckles on every morning, piece by piece, just to look like a warm hug and smell like laughter when he walks in like a cold winter breeze. Yet again, when Kei is working the register. 

“Good morning, Kei.”

“...”

“Cold morning, huh?”

“Same as yesterday?” Kei asks, doing his best to keep the chit-chat away, keep their words at arms length, keep  _ Tadashi _ at arms length, keep that same block of distance between them, damnit, he wishes it was still 260 kilometers away, and wishes he’d stay by his side forever,  _ fuck _ -

“Actually, I’d like an éclair, please. But thank you for remembering my order, Kei.”

The second pastry they made together, how the  _ fuck _ does Tadashi remember that? They were  _ eight _ .

“Just one?”

“Yes please.”

“Your total 350 yen.”

Tadashi hands the money to him, and like Kei anticipated, they very much were not 260 kilometers apart anymore, the way they had been only days ago. They weren’t a block away from each other anymore. They weren’t even at arms length when Tadashi pressed the money into his hands, and Kei felt less like he was receiving money and more was receiving a ritual- a habit. He was going to see Tadashi again, no matter how much he hated and loved the thought of it.

“Thanks, Kei!” Tadashi smiles and waves when Kei gives him his pastry and he takes it, takes everything Kei had been building up since he fucking  _ left. _

Tadashi walks away with everything he came for in his hands, and then some.

  
  


\-----

  
  


“I think they look great!”

They were still standing on their step stools in the bakery on a Friday afternoon after school, looking at the second pastry they’d ever baked. Once again, Tadashi asked to help out, and Kei’s mother happily agreed, while Kei stared with a schooled expression, and pretended he wasn’t glad he’d get to share the pastries with his friend. After their... Not-quite-successful first attempt at a raspberry danish, his mother decided that they should learn how to bake something simpler first, then move onto more complicated pastries.

“They look stepped on.”

“But it’s our very first éclair! It’s not supposed to look perfect.”

“But shouldn’t it look like  _ food _ ?”

“.. Yeah you’re right. But I'm sure we can still eat it!”

“Hush, you two, they look great!” Marumi tapped both of them on the head with two of her fingers, before motioning with her hands at their shoulders for them to pick up the severely bruised and misshapen éclairs, still warm and dripping with chocolate ganache.

For something looking so inedible as their first attempt at a new pastry other than the raspberry danishes, it wasn’t half bad. The bread was warm and fluffy, like a breath of air wrapping Kei in a hug, and the chocolate ganache tasted melty and rich. As Kei ate the éclair, he decided that if Tadashi’s freckles could feel like anything, they’d feel like how he smiled and laughed and got chocolate ganache on his cheek, and they’d dance and move across his cheeks like “ _ They taste amazing, Kei!” _ , and laughing so hard they both choke on the éclairs and freak out his mother.

“They’re not half bad. I guess.” Kei said, looking at the counter and wiping off his mouth. He stares at the floor,  _ anything  _ but Tadashi’s smile, like chocolate ganache and warm bread.

“No they aren’t, because we’ll be the  _ best _ bakers ever!” Tadashi grinned.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah! And-and we can- we can  _ totally  _ run the bakery together! We’ll learn all the recipes by heart! And then we can bake every single day till the end of time, and when we get the bakery after your mom retires we’ll already be good enough to make great breads and cakes and pastries for everyone! And you can do all the wet ingredients and-and I’ll do the dry ones and we’ll be  _ awesome _ ! Like bread heroes!”

Kei thought about that for a moment. The two of them, big and cool and strong, baking bread and helping people through raspberry danishes and chocolate éclairs.

“How would pastries help people?” Kei half asked Tadashi, half asked Marumi, who was leaning on the desk and watching them with a smile.

“I dunno.” Tadashi looked at Kei’s mother, who spoke gently, like the words were goodbye hugs and they were both taking a step forward together, a step away from her.

“Well, this is a family bakery. Family bread. This bread, these pastries, they’re from our family to other families. The yeast in the dough makes everything rise and everyone gather, and kneading it brings everyone together and helps them bond. Give it some time, effort and warmth, and families come out of this bakery just as often as bread does.”

“Ooohhhh I get it!” Tadashi grinned. “You bake  _ people _ into the bread!”

“No,” Marumi laughed, and Kei snorted into his palm.”We bake the love that makes us a family into our bread, and that love goes to families in the ways they need it. It comes in the form of warm bread and sweet pastries, but it leaves the family with a lot more than a full tummy.” She lightly tapped his nose, and gave Kei what must’ve been the  _ millionth  _ kiss on the forehead, before she sent them off to play with Kei’s toy dinosaurs in the breakroom, and let the employees get back to baking before the bakery got busy again.

Kei decided he  _ really _ liked those slow days, the ones where they don't have so much “goddamn suffocating foot traffic” (a term coined by one of the very tired employees that Kei heard her say one late night), and they have both the time and space to practice baking, taking advantage of the sparse customers.

Kei also decided he only wants to bake if he gets to split the wet and dry ingredients with Tadashi.

  
  


\----- 

Tadashi ropes Kei into coming over for dinner four days after he orders éclairs, on a Tuesday.

He doesn’t even know why he does it, why he shrugs and agrees as he hands the pastries over to him, why he pretends he isn't both terrified and excited and hates and loves the idea of  _ finally _ , after so long, they get to visit each other again, they get to close that distance  _ effortlessly _ , he gets to walk that familiar block from his house to Tadashi’s. He gets to be the one entering the familiar yet unfamiliar territory, he gets to be the one keeping Tadashi on edge this time.

And he has no idea how to deal with that. 

Regardless, here he is standing outside Tadashi’s family’s house as if it were some sort of physical manifestation of capital punishment. He would walk in, and no matter what it is that walks out of that door after dinner, it wouldn’t be Kei. He walks up too slow, then too fast, then too slow again, fucking  _ idiot _ ,  _ stop fucking fretting over how fast you’re fucking walking- _

Exactly two knocks to the door out of four. More out of habit than anything, he imagines four knocks total: two for Kei, two for Tadashi, just like when they were kids.

Tadashi always went first.

The door swung open, pushing forth the smell of.. Is that  _ bread _ ?

“You’re early!” Tadashi grins like blueberries and lemonade, washes over him in cool blues and gentle yellows. 

“Just by a couple minutes.”

“That means you were  _ eager _ ~” Tadashi laughs, motioning for Kei to go inside.

Each step inside enveloped him in warmth, like molasses, thick and sweet and gentle and  _ home _ , pouring over him like a hug and a reminder of something he hadn’t associated with this house in years. Two years, to be exact. 

“Shut up, Tadashi. You said six. I’m here, and it's six.”

“Not exactly, haha. You don’t have to say anything, Kei. I missed you too.” Tadashi puts his hand on Kei’s arm, gently rubs his arm before turning away and guiding him to the kitchen, the one they both knew like the back of their hands, the one neither of them needed guiding to.

Kei had been expecting a hug, to be frank.

Not lingering touches, lingering gazes, lingering smiles, and unusual tones. Tadashi’s gotten bolder and shyer at the same time; somehow strong-arming Kei into coming over for dinner, and yet when he’s here and Tadashi’s blatantly implying Kei  _ missed _ him, all he’s doing is small touches, little smiles, almost  _ teasing  _ him. He  _ never  _ used to tease Kei, not like this.

Who the  _ hell _ was the man that had returned from Iwate University?

In the two years Kei had drawn back, pulled away from this warmth like blueberries, lemonade and molasses, the Tadashi house had changed up their kitchen a bit. They now had a kitchen island, with seats that Tadashi gestured to as Kei entered. 

“Don’t tell me you spent four years working at a bakery just to bake at  _ home _ .” Kei raises his eyebrow at a grinning Tadashi as he sits down, because he still hasn’t forgotten that he smelled bread, and still does. The kitchen was meticulously cleaned, which meant he probably tried to hide the evidence of traitorous bread-baking.

“Don’t tell me you spent your whole life at the bakery to take  _ that long _ to notice.” Tadashi retorted with a chuckle.

At the sound of his laughter, Kei got a feeling, no- he’s felt this before. When Tadashi first walked into the bakery the week before. He feels this feeling  _ again-  _ familiar but unfamiliar. Tadashi still looked the same, smiled the same, his words, touch, presence in itself felt the same with those soft smiles and freckles like chocolate ganache and cinnamon. But it was different, altered, just to the left. Colder and hotter at the same time, like when he left for university, a new person came back wearing his face. It was  _ his  _ hands that touched him gently, it was  _ his _ smile Kei had spent two years trying to forget, but the person pulling all the strings, the person speaking to Kei, those words, those tones, everything that wasn’t physical and tangible felt  _ wrong. _ Tadashi was tangible, and whoever it was behind that physical presence of everything Kei’s been wanting and hating, missing and forgetting, healing and hurting from- it wasn’t the Tadashi who would always mix the dry ingredients, who always lost rock paper scissors on purpose. It wasn’t the Tadashi he learned how to make bad raspberry danishes and lopsided chocolate éclairs with. Kei doesn’t know what to think of it, what to think of  _ Tadashi _ .

“I smelled the bread the instant you opened the door. Are you practicing to open up a new bakery, try and shut us down, Mr. Big Shot?” 

“You know I wouldn’t. Just thought you could use some familiarity.”

“What about this would be unfamiliar?”

“I dunno. Everything. Nothing at all. Or maybe it was the 250 kilometer distance between us. Or maybe it's that cool new painting Mom got put up in the living room. Mom says you didn’t visit her after I left. Or maybe nothing changed at all, right?” He opens up the oven, grabs a spoon from the counter and taps at the pastries inside. “Pastries are just about done.”

...Is Tadashi  _ angry _ ?

“I’m not stupid, Tadashi. Say what you need to say.”

Tadashi takes a moment to speak. A moment, stretched out between them like it was a block long, like it was 250 kilometers long. Like it was at arms distance, like it was closing in on him, crashing down on him, breaking him, stabbing, shattering, cutting, crying-

“When?”

“When what?”

“When did you decide to forget about me?”

“Don’t think you can delete twelve years of memories, Tadashi.”

“No but you can repress twelve years of  _ feelings _ , and I know how you  _ do  _ that Kei! I could see you pulling away before I left. So let me guess: you decided to finish pushing me away completely literally the  _ night before I left the entire prefecture for two years _ ,” Tadashi takes the tray of hot pastries out and practically slams them on the stovetop. “You pretend everything is  _ fine _ , and then you go about your life like nothing ever happened, like  _ twelve fucking years _ was no big deal. Like your best fucking  _ friend _ wasn’t about to leave for university! I could  _ see _ it in your eyes when I came to the bakery, and I wasn't even  _ surprised. _ I knew when I first came back to visit and you didn’t want to talk to me, couldn’t even fucking  _ look _ at me! So tell me,  _ Kei _ ,” Tadashi practically spat his name out, like poison, like it was killing him. Like  _ Kei _ was killing him.

“When did you decide not to feel anything?”

Kei can’t reply for a couple moments. Shit, he wasn’t expecting that.

“...Is this why you invited me over?”

“Fuck- no. I- I wanted to. Just have a nice night, I’m- I’m sorry for getting angry. It’s just.  _ Why _ ? Why didn’t you even  _ smile _ when you saw me? I can't stop  _ thinking _ about it.”

Kei takes a moment to reply; it's too long, he takes too much time, but Tadashi waits regardless- the way he always does, waits like rosebuds and dusk; not dawn, no, dusk, waiting for that pale moonlight to emerge and fucking  _ say something, damnit- _

“Well have you ever thought to consider maybe I didn’t  _ want  _ to see-” 

“Don’t fucking start with that  _ bullshit _ , Kei! You’ve hidden behind that stupid wall of yours for as long as I remember, how  _ hard _ is it for you to be honest with me?! This is why I’m fucking mad!”

Kei takes too long to reply again, lets them drift for a little too long, a little too far apart.

“So that's it? You just wanted me over so you could hear me say I fucking  _ missed you _ ?”

“I asked you to come over because I’m fucking  _ done _ being a pushover! I’m done chasing after you, I’m done having to analyze everything you say like some sort of fucking translator, because I already  _ know _ you! But you don't know  _ shit _ about me! In the two years that you  _ never fucking called _ , hell you could’ve even texted! You could’ve fucking  _ replied _ , or I dunno,  _ apologized _ for what you did the night before I left! But I got nothing, nothing and more  _ nothing! _ And I learned, I  _ learned _ , I changed the night  _ you fucking left _ ! It wasn’t until  _ you _ left,  _ not me _ , that I could finally look back and see how you always got to hide behind your insults and pretentious smirks and just be a little  _ shit  _ whenever you wanted! Was I was always there just to  _ feel things _ , just to be the emotional one, as if you weren’t a fucking  _ human?! _ You fucking  _ missed me _ , we were best friends! I don’t care if you’ll say you missed me. I want you to  _ let yourself _ miss me!”

This time it feels more like Tadashi needs the quiet, needs Kei to wait before saying anything. And for once, he didn't wait too long, or not enough.

“You left the oven on, Tadashi.” 

“...Thanks.”

Tadashi turns off the oven and Kei looks down at the kitchen island, the smooth wood he’s got his elbows on. It’s awkward, but he lets the silence help Tadashi calm down. Kei soaks in the words, because  _ shit _ , that was a lot, and he’d be stupid to just forget everything he said, stupid to just brush it off like it’s nothing. Clearly, Tadashi had been thinking about saying that for a long time. Kei doesn’t want to think about how long he’s been feeling like that, feeling so mad at him- so he does what he does best: he evades.

“Wanna watch Christmas movies?” Kei’s practically fucking  _ mumbling _ , but damnit, it felt like a step forward, a bit more sure of itself than he actually feels. At least it’s  _ something _ .

Tadashi had moved from turning off the oven to plating the hot pastries, and paused when Kei asked the question. He looks back slowly, and Kei sees several emotions pass through his face, the expressions sweeping over him like egg wash being brushed over oven-ready dough. He sees anger, like alarmed bright yellows, blaring and loud and so cold it  _ bites _ , before it's snatched away by baby blue confusion, blinking like he hadn’t registered what Kei asked. Next came realization, where he understood everything Kei had managed to say to him and never admit out loud, just by asking a single question. His face softens and sharpens at the same time- he smiles, just a little, gently, warmly, like fresh bread and warm sunlight on his back, and the little tick of his lips quirks up just a little, into that crooked smile Kei regrets to have ever forgotten. There's also the little shift that eases Tadashi’s posture to relax, and the little freckles like stars dipped in chocolate and sprinkled onto his face, and it all cuts into Kei’s chest like tiny blades, digging under his skin and making him feel like squirming. 

“I’d like that, Kei.”

Kei lets out a little huff of air, like laughter. A tiny victory, one that saves the night for the both of them.

“Which movie d’you wanna watch first?”

“Hmm.. tough choice.”

“Let’s narrow it down. Cheesy, or funny?”

“Well.. I think.. Hmm,” Tadashi serves two of the fresh pastries onto paper plates, and walks over to sit by Kei on the kitchen island with them. “Let’s go with cheesy tonight, eh?”

Kei loves it, the way Tadashi grins at him all crookedly and somehow makes it so sweet and cute at the same time.

“Hate it when you smile like that.” He replies, taking one of the plates of pastries.

“‘Course y’do.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You hate everything you love.”

“Oh really? You think I love your smile?”

“I think you love a lot of things about me.”

“...University made you brazen, huh?”

“And not going to university made you quieter.”

“How do you know it’s university?”

“Are you saying it’s me?”

“I’m saying you can’t be sure.”

“Sounds like  _ someone _ ’s just in denial.” Tadashi chuckles, taking a bite of his pastry. They’re quiet again, silent like it was all they needed to say, until they needed to say something more.

“Hey..” Kei starts, more unsure than he sounds.

“Hm?”

“What are we doing?”

“Eating pastries. Thinking up movies to-”

“No, Tadashi. What’re we  _ doing _ ?”

It’s Tadashi’s turn to wait too long to reply, now. 

“I think we’re healing. We both changed. So.. Now- now we don’t really know each other in the same way. So we’d hurt each other if we decided to pretend that everything’s the same. So. We heal, now. And adjust.”

“...Tch. Cheesy. You’re not wrong, I guess.” Kei flicks Tadashi’s shoulder, and receives both a dramatically hurt expression and a flick to his shoulder in return.

“I think.. We should start with the old classic movies.”

“And why is that?”

“Cause they’re cheesy, and watching the movies with your childhood best friend is cheesy.”

“I think you’re just a cheesy person.” Kei picks at his pastry.

“And I think you’re even worse for asking to watch movies in the first place.”

“Says the guy who asked me to dinner when his parents are conveniently at a dinner party.”

“So you think this is a date?”

“Sounds like it. I come over for dinner, and we watch movies. I’d have to be stupid not to at least consider it.”

“Ah, but  _ you _ wanted to watch movies. Maybe it was your plan to make this a date all along.”

“Or maybe this was a date regardless of what I wanted to make it into.”

“And what of it?”

“That's awfully bold, even for a changed Tadashi. Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?”

Tadashi laughed, strong like bluebells aand bright red, then leaned into Kei with that same fucking  _ smirk _ that Kei wants to wipe off his face and never stop staring at ever again.

“You’ll never find out.”

Kei lets himself chuckle a little, lets himself unravel just a little bit more. Whoever it was, wearing Tadashi’s smile and freckles like sunshine and chocolate- he was someone Kei definitely wouldn’t mind getting to know. Just out of curiosity, out of exploring, of course. Testing the waters, that’s all.

Instead of replying, Kei takes a piece off the corner of the pastry and dips the bread into the center of it, where there was a mini pool of blueberry jam cradled by the bread itself and topped with a brown sugar crumble, similar to a glaze; it was shaped and baked so people could break off pieces of the bread and dip it into the jam in the middle, and it tasted  _ heavenly _ , like blankets taken out of the drier and that feeling from drinking hot chocolate and feeling the heat course through him. It tasted like a  _ checkmate _ , but he wasn’t sure if it was him or Tadashi that was being checkmated.

“So what’re we watching first?” He asks a question, just a simple question, but it feels more like surrendering. Feels less like he’s asking Tadashi to pick a movie and more like he’s asking him to lead the way, lead Kei down a winding path with crooked smiles and the broken off corners of pastries. He doesn’t know who it is, the man that walks before him, but this is the man he knows better than himself, admittedly. The man that greeted him with crooked smiles and fresh homemade pastries, greeted him with unfamiliarly gentle touches with hands he could never forget. Kei feels like he’s following Tadashi along, the way Tadashi used to follow him. It feels like he’s winning and surrendering at the same time, feels like for once surrendering  _ is  _ winning.

And through this victory and loss, through this rising and falling like sifted cinnamon, Kei realizes he knows a lot about what he feels  _ like _ , but not what he  _ feels _ .

“Let’s see what’s on Netflix and decide together.” Tadashi gives him a thumbs up and motions for Kei to follow him into the living room, taking his plate with the hot pastry with him.

Kei surrenders. Follows the man that walks before him, the man he knows everything and nothing about. They sit at opposite ends of the couch, Tadashi leaning his torso on the armrest side with his feet up, and Kei, cross-legged.

“Huh.” Tadashi says, looking at the both of them.

“What?”

“University was right. Gay people really  _ can’t _ sit straight.”

Kei’s silent for a moment, seeing neither of them sitting straight, before bursting out into laughter. Laughter that felt like screaming, crying. Laughter that felt like “thank you”, like “I missed you”, like “I’m home”. Laughter that felt like breaking off the corners of pastries, felt like gentle touches at his arm, felt like freckles, in scattered chunks of sifted cinnamon.

“What kinda classes were you taking there?”

“Nah, I learned it mostly from the students. I also learned that university students live in a completely different reality without adult supervision. Like.. I saw someone drinking  _ hot  _ orange juice once. He called it a life hack. I called it the bane of my existence. We agreed to disagree and never spoke again.”

Kei finds himself tied up in another laughing fit, and the seconds dissolve into their conversation. The minutes drip away into their words like coffee in a drip pot, like the last vestiges of a monsoon rain trickling down cold leaves and stems. He finds himself tied up in the way they mess up the pronunciation of their words because their smiles are too strong to hold back as they go back and forth. Kei met Tadashi’s university adventures with stories, all sorts of shenanigans the coworkers at the bakery got up to when he left for university. 

He started with one of his favorites- Fukuda dropping a full bag of flour, and when she was caught covered in flour, she panicked and blamed it on Kei’s cat, who was nowhere near the bakery. They made it a habit of just saying it was the cat’s fault even though she’d never set foot in their kitchen as an inside joke. Some butter fell on the floor? The cats fault, damnit! The milk ran out before the next shipment? Ah, the cat must’ve gotten to it! The jokes had gotten to the point where they’d put a poster up on one of the windows telling the customers that “the cat” they’d hear the coworkers talk about was an inside joke, and there was no actual cat in the kitchen. Tadashi listens with a glinting in his eyes that unsettles Kei, excites him, scares him, entices him.

It takes them an hour to finish their pastries and finally get around to playing whatever Christmas movie that shows up first on Netflix.

Kei decides that yes, he very much did miss Tadashi. Even if he didn’t want to accept the aching it elft in his chest to admit it, Tadashi himself had said it. He knew he had to go through it, one way or another, instead of avoiding his emotions. Even if he didn’t want to feel it, he could try to go through the motions and figure it out while watching cheesy Christmas movies on Netflix, and probing Tadashi for the recipe he used on the pastry when the first movie ended. Sort through his feelings and search for the  _ words _ , because any time he sees Tadashi smile, every time he sees those goddamn  _ freckles,  _ every time he thinks of pastries and laughter, he gets this feeling that he’s known for so  _ long _ but never feels exactly the same twice. He could never get used to the way Tadashi made him feel, but he resolved to figure out what it’s name was, at the very least.

When Kei leaves Tadashi’s house later that night, he decides he won’t go back inside places that are familiar and unfamiliar at the same time, trying to take the reins, trying to control what happens, control his reactions, control what they talk about, control his  _ emotions _ .


	2. stranger, who knows all my secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kei learns a little more than he expected about himself- and learns just how different Tadashi _really_ is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello heres ch2!! im so happy for this chapter bc HERE'S THE FIRST SURPRISE!! im so happy, and im gonna update the tags soon after i post the chapter!! im so excited NJKVNFNJ !! and here's kei, finally HEALING
> 
> im just so happy to post this chapter omgjnkvnknjf and next week will be the first of tadashi's pov!!
> 
> the song from this chapter title is "a soulmate who wasn't meant to be" by jess benko, im IN LOVE with the song, and its in the playlist i made for this fic, which you can find right [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4xEzxXsyG1oUSG4nuUsJTM) !!
> 
> i hope you guys like the chapter!

Kei and Tadashi had both integrated the bakery into their lives by the time they started high school. They were spending every hour of their day either in school, sleeping over, or shaving the hours away in the bakery. The hours they spent together shaved down like chunks of cooking chocolate being grated into gentle curls over cakes, sweetly, softly, tenderly, tragically. It was an integral part of their lives, their schedules. They both had already mastered a handful of pastry and cupcake recipes by the time they’d reached 12, and at 16 they both were more skilled than some of the newer coworkers there. They weren’t nearly on the level that Kei’s mom was at, but they were definitely good at baking, having grown up together like rising yeast, kneading the bakery into every minute of their lives they could spare. Tadashi’s parents were concerned at first for how much time he was spending at the bakery, but conceded when they saw how close Tadashi and Kei were, and decided it would be okay for them to bake together. 

At 16 was also when they were officially employed, and put on the payroll. Both of them worked the same shifts, but off by a small bit to accommodate for Tadashi being home in time for dinner at his house. It was a peaceful routine: go to school, study together in the breakroom, start their shift, trade baking and cashier duty on their shifts. Then Tadashi goes home and Kei finishes with what is usually just the last trickling customers drifting in for a small snack. Sometimes the Tsukishima family joins the Yamaguchi family for dinner and vice versa, so either Kei gets to leave the bakery earlier or Tadashi gets to stay and just come with Kei on the way to his home. Kei thinks those nights were the best- both their families felt more like one, like wet ingredients and dry ingredients being mixed together.

Around the time they started working official shifts, Kei noticed that there was a startling amount of couples coming into the bakery to go on dates. They’d walk in with stars in their eyes like bits of gold and silver, and track in snow that drip, drip, dripps like chocolate ganache onto the ground every winter. During the holiday season they’d always get a huge influx of families, and somehow every year there’d manage to be more couples than families in the bakery, buying pastries and cakes. 

Tadashi liked talking about the customers he took orders for whenever they finished their shifts at the same time, or when they were on their way to their next shift the next day. He’d say he liked their scarves, that they were polite, that the way they interacted with whoever they brought with them was very endearing. Like an outsider looking in and contemplating it, Tadashi wondered again and again out loud about the lives that wandered in and out of the bakery. Like an outsider looking in and contemplating it, Kei wondered, not exactly out loud, what it was about other people and strangers that prompted Tadashi to think about them so much. Maybe it was because he didn’t know them inside and out, and that made them interesting to him. Maybe it was something new to Tadashi, other people and strangers and their lives gone unexplored, and considered Kei and their friendship old and static and unchanged.

Maybe being a stranger is all Tadashi wanted. Maybe seeing a stranger, learning about one, finding a new life to learn about was what Tadashi wanted. Maybe Kei couldn’t be that stranger, that unfamiliar part of this familiar city to Tadashi anymore. Maybe he wasn’t enough anymore. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Maybe Kei was never enough for Tadashi, and they had just been too young to notice it at first.

Kei liked working on weekdays when they didn’t have school the most. Especially the summers, when the sunlight lasted longer. It was calming, the smell of bread baking early in the morning, the sunlight pouring slowly like honey, glittering and giving everything a yellow sheen. The sunlight like a misty, sifted stardust, a layer of glowy light that runs its touch gently over the breads like egg wash, like magic swiping slowly over the pastries and giving the sugar it's sweetness. The sunlight in itself greets the bakery brightly, unabashedly, excitedly. When Tadashi comes in for the morning shift, he greets Kei brightly, unabashedly, excitedly.

“G’mornin’, Kei! I’m kinda tired. Did you sleep well?”

“Like a baby. You look like a car ran you over.”

“You know I’m not a morning person! You say this  _ every _ time we work mornings. ”   
  


“Is 8 AM that bad for you?”

“How can you even stand to be awake before 10 am?”

“How can you stand to stay up past midnight?”

“...Touché. Still don’t know how you can stand to be up so early, though. When did you get up?”

“Six, like a normal human being.”

“I think normal human beings  _ go  _ to sleep at six am, not wake up.” Tadashi raises an eyebrow at Kei and looks at him incredulously.

“I think normal human beings actually  _ sleep _ .”

Tadashi laughs, and they both go into the back to put on their aprons.

“Let’s do the cakes instead of the pastries today.” Kei says when they walk out of the breakroom, and Tadashi nods.

“You’re gonna have to help me with frosting again. I’m so  _ bad _ at it!”

“That’s ‘cause your hands shake all the time. You gotta keep them steady, dumbass.”

“Sorry.” Tadashi chuckled.

Kei noticed a long time ago that Tadashi apologized a lot. He started doing it a little while after Kei had grown older, meaner, colder. He doesn’t know why he did it, but he doesn’t know how to go back, either. But it was okay, like this. They were okay. He didn’t correct Tadashi for apologizing about things he didn’t need to say sorry for, and Tadashi didn’t stop.

Tadashi apologized a lot whenever Kei pointed out mistakes in his frosting technique that day. Kei brushes it off tenderly, tragically, every single time.

  
  


\-----

  
  


Tadashi enters the bakery the next morning after their movie night looking.. Different, to say the least. He had shaved the bottom half of his hair into an  _ undercut,  _ what the  _ fuck _ , and was wearing  _ leather.  _ He looked entirely different from the day before, looks less like warmth and nutmeg and hugs and looks a lot more like getting hooked on crooked smiles and sickeningly sweet chocolate ganache freckles. Was that..  _ Studs _ on a leather jacket? Big, spiky eyeliner and pink-purple eyeshadow? Was Tadashi wearing an  _ earring _ ? When did he get his ears pierced? And a septum piercing? Have those piercings always been there? He was wearing dark jeans (in  _ winter _ ?) and under his leather jacket a black t-shirt. The haircut  _ had _ to have been fresh, and Kei had never seen Tadashi dress like that before.

Thankfully, not all of Tadashi was different. He walks in nervously, and Kei presumes that he’s concerned over how Kei would react to the clear change in style. Probably thought Kei wouldn’t react too well, or strongly.

_ Well, he’s not wrong _ .

Kei’s handing off an order to a customer when Tadashi walks in, and he almost dropped their cupcakes if it weren’t for the customer’s partner having already grabbed it. He didn’t even register them walking away from him. All he can see is Tadashi. Tadashi, standing there.. In  _ leather.  _ Kei feels like he’s getting tunnel vision, like he’s probably about to faint, he’s  _ definitely _ lightheaded right now, what the  _ fuck is going on- _

“Morning, Kei.” 

_ What the fuck is he wearing? Why does he look like that? Is he trying something new? Is this how he normally looks now?  _

“...Kei?”

“Uh. Morning. Uh. Your-your order?” Kei fucking  _ hates himself _ . That was so  _ cringy _ , goddamnit.

“Right to business, huh?” Tadashi raises an eyebrow, giving him that fucking  _ crooked smile _ , fucking  _ shit _ , Kei’s having a heart palpitation. Tadashi looks so  _ different _ . And probably knew how badly it had shaken Kei. He was- he was definitely in shock right now. That’s why he feels like he can't breathe, why he can feel all the blood rushing to his face. It’s just shock from the change, that’s all.

“I guess.”

“...Last night was fun, Kei. Sorry for-for the yelling, at first. I’m not apologizing for what I said. I just. Was too loud. I know you don’t like yelling. It was still great to watch movies though!” How can Tadashi be wearing  _ that _ and still talk all cutesy and warm, speak so softly and sweetly like he wasn’t  _ spiky _ right now?

Kei feels like his cheeks are burning. He only feels  _ like _ it, this is  _ definitely not happening, this is a dream _ -

“It-it’s fine. Tadashi. So. Cut the shit. What’s with-what’s with the new look here?”

“Actually it's uh- it’s not new. I look like this whenever I go to class, or I’m out with my friends. I thought that when I came back I should wear what I used to before I left for a couple days, before I uh.. Y’know. Just. Knock everyone over the head with a new look like  _ ‘Bonk, hello there folks! I look like a Hot Topic employee now. This is my life.’ _ y’know? I should’ve eased into it, but.. It’d still be a lot to take in regardless.” Tadashi scratches his neck and chuckles a bit.

“And the undercut?”

“Yeah, the undercut.. I’ve been thinking a  _ lot _ about coming back. Grew my hair out just in time to come home looking the same as I left, and shaved it myself this morning. My mom helped with the back.” Tadashi scratches his neck again, and Kei realizes it’s probably a nervous habit he picked up. 

_ Huh. He always used to tap his fingers or his thighs when he was anxious _ .

“You look good like this. Is that a.. Collar?” Kei points at Tadashi’s neck, which very much indeed has a collar.

“Yep. Got some chains on my jeans, the standard big black clunky boots, the whole shebang. Kei, meet punk Tadashi!”

“...You weren’t kidding when you said you changed, huh?”

“No, haha. I like how I used to dress too, though! Both looks suit me and they’re really comfy. Sometimes I switch the outfits around, or experiment a little. I really like skirts.”

“The chains are cool.”

“Ah, the word ‘cool’. I haven’t brushed up on my Tsukkiology, but I’m pretty sure you just said you  _ loved  _ my outfit.” Tadashi gives that crooked grin like chains lashing out at Kei, wrapping him, trapping him, checkmating him. It doesn't hurt but it gives Kei so much  _ adrenaline _ , a rush he could never get used to. He might just get  _ hooked _ on it,  _ shit- _

“Shut up, Tadashi. I just said it was cool.”

“Yeah but you said  _ cool _ to someone who knows you like the back of your hand.”

“What makes you say you still know me that well?”

“What about either of us says neither of us do?”

“Dunno, maybe it's the  _ septum piercing _ ?”

“A septum piercing doesn't mean anything.”

“I’d argue it does.”

“And I’d argue it doesn’t.”

“Well I’d argue you’re wrong, and that I have a job. So. Y’gonna order something?”

“Ah. In Tsukkiology, changing the subject is a “touché”. I’ll take this victory. And..” Tadashi presses his hand- his nails are painted black with the ring finger painted hot pink, his hands are fucking _decorated_ with rings and chains, _fuck_ \- against the table and flicks his gaze from Kei to the desk then back into his fucking _eyes_ , giving him that fucking _crooked grin_ \- “To celebrate my victory.. I think I’ll have a vanilla cupcake, please.” Tadashi grins.

Kei has to gather himself up off the floor. He’ll have to take his break early to Google the symptoms of heart palpitations, too. Does he have enough time to check himself into a hospital and make it back in time when his lunch break is over? Confident Tadashi was a  _ very _ stressful person to be around.

“Tch... Good morning, Tadashi. Vanilla cupcake coming right up.”

Tadashi asks Kei for his new phone number- if he had one of course, Tadashi had changed his- when he returns with Tadashi’s order. He’s saying “ _ Sure” _ , he’s shrugging it off, he’s surrendering and winning at the same time without even thinking about what he’s doing.

  
  


\-----

  
  


Kei walks the long way home that night. He braves the oncoming snow that he can see building up in the clouds, and decides he’ll just accept it if he gets snowed on; he’s already started walking after all. He notedly very much  _ avoids _ the side of the neighborhood where the Yamaguchi family lives, and walks home slowly. He plays his Friday playlist even though it’s Wednesday, like bright oranges, royal blues, and hard candies. It was cringey and cutesy shit, but he liked the whole “I’m so in love with you” genre sometimes, if he could find a good enough song.

Each step against the sidewalk felt less like he was walking forward and more like he was being pushed. Like everything around him was moving, and he just adjusted to make room for himself. God, everything felt so jumbled up and tangled inside him. Tadashi’s return felt so  _ disorganized _ , so unplanned and out of left field, because it  _ was _ , goddamnit. He’d organized his feelings, put them away, tucked them under the floorboards, then Tadashi just walks into the fucking shop holding the box of every single thing Kei didn’t want to  _ feel _ , he couldn’t fucking  _ deal  _ with that shit, and now Tadashi’s just thrown it all at him in a tangled mess, sat down in front of him, and asked him to organize his feelings, color code them, figure out what they are.

Then he shows up looking like a fucking  _ punk _ , and he was probably fucking  _ flirting  _ now that he thinks about it, with the way he looked at him and  _ grinned at him _ like a fucking  _ drug,  _ like he wanted Kei to get addicted to him. Tadashi walked in and a new box of tangled feelings followed along, with sifted cinnamon on them like dust- like they’ve been there a long time, and they weren’t brand new when Tadashi walked in clearly a full four centimeters taller from those fucking  _ boots _ , and had all those  _ spikes  _ on him, what the  _ fuck? _ It’s all been  _ Tadashi _ . The catalyst that brought everything back in Kei’s face- it’s Tadashi. Tadashi’s gotta be the reason it’s all happening  _ now _ , right?

Kei thought about last night, and the words Tadashi said to him.

_ “Was I was always there just to feel things, just to be the emotional one, as if you weren’t a fucking human?! You fucking missed me, we were best friends! I don’t care if you’ll say you missed me. I want you to let yourself miss me!” _

Kei thinks that Tadashi didn’t need to apologize for getting loud. At least he  _ did  _ something. Something that he wouldn’t have done two years ago, something Kei probably needed to hear. Tadashi yelled at him, gave him his own feelings, brought them home with him from university. The ones Kei pushed away along with Tadashi, when he was about to leave. The emotions, like glass shattering, cutting into him- he just threw them at Tadashi and told himself he didn’t need to pick everything up, he wasn’t fucking  _ bleeding _ , there weren’t cuts, and Tadashi was  _ fine _ , he could handle it, he probably wasn’t even  _ cut by Kei’s feelings- _

Oh.  _ Oh _ .

Kei had thrown all his feelings at Tadashi and locked away everything he felt. Shut out Tadashi before he left, shut out his emotions, threw everything he felt at Tadashi and pretended like it wasn’t  _ his _ emotions. He pretended he didn't feel anything, while Tadashi went off to university carrying his own feelings  _ and  _ Kei’s. Hell, how long had he been doing it? Had it only been when Tadashi was going to leave that Kei decided to drift away and leave Tadashi with everything he didn’t want to feel? How long had he been just sliding his emotions off to Tadashi, pretending that he was just “the emotional one”?

How long had he been pretending his feelings weren't his own?

When Kei gets home, he takes a shower then lays down in bed, listening to his playlist. He closes his eyes and lets the music wash over him like tides in an ocean, and every time the music came like waves over him, Kei felt that box full of feelings unravel just a little bit. The music came and went slowly and all at once, in crescendos and decrescendos, and each time it rose and fell it guided Kei’s hands, guided him like it always has, making things just a little bit easier to untangle. He learns as he listens, tenderly, tragically.

He was nowhere near figuring everything out, but it was surely a start.

  
  


\-----

  
  


Kei’s phone pings about an hour into his mini Feeling-Session thing, whatever the hell it was he was doing.

**_8:26 PM_ **

**_Unknown:_ ** _ is this tsukishima kei? it’s tadashi <: _

Ah, he’d given Tadashi his phone number earlier, it was only a matter of time before he texted. Kei’s not in the mood to talk, still swimming in music, but he’s been in the mood to think about Tadashi for a long time. He adds Tadashi into his contacts before he replies.

**_You:_ ** _ hey _

**_You:_ ** _ what’s up  _

**_tadashi:_ ** _ open your front door ;) _

**_You:_ ** _?  _

**_You:_ ** _ what did you do  _

**_tadashi:_ ** _ you’ll see <3 _

Kei pauses his music and lets his big clunky headphones rest at his neck. He didn't use them out in public anymore, but he liked the feel of laying down and letting the music surround him like an embrace, like cinnamon, like chocolate ganache, like soft smiles, like freckles-

Kei swings the door open to find a grinning Tadashi, dressed in a long black overcoat, dark jeans, and a thick black turtleneck, with a dark brown scarf hanging loosely around his neck. Snow was falling gently on him like the sky was sifting stardust over his shoulders, over this black beanie he had on his head with a bunch of little pins. The cold was pressing onto Tadashi’s face, poking a blotchy red flush onto his cheeks, nose, ears. Tadashi sniffles, of fucking  _ course  _ he is because he’s standing out in the cold, and Kei’s heart stutters as he takes in the second new outfit. He’s once again reacting like this because it's  _ new  _ and  _ shocking _ , that's all. He steps inside for Tadashi to walk in, and Tadashi brushes the snow off his shoulders and head before he walks in.

“So you wanna explain why you’re here?”

“Do you wanna explain why you’ve had the same earphones for ten years?”

“..Touché.”

“Well. I’m just here to hang out. Knowing you, I bet you had no plans whatsoever tonight. So I’m here to change that! Have you had dinner yet?” Tadashi grins.

Kei couldn’t even put up a fight against those chocolate ganache freckles, that crooked smile. He surrenders.

“...No, I haven’t. What did you have in mind?”

“Takeout and shitty action movies.”

“More movies?”

“Got a problem with that?”

“Do you have a problem watching anything else? Like… a series or something?”

“Ahh! A series. Sounds like you want me to be here a lot more, if we’re gonna watch a series together.”

“I’m just saying, you could use more variety in your date ideas.”

“When did I say it was a date?”

“Why else would you show up at random offering dinner and a movie?”

“Why does that have to mean it’s a date?”

“Do you not want it to be?”

“...Nah. I think tonight should just be hanging out. What do you think?”

“I think that's also the exact definition of a date, but I don’t give a shit. Sure.”

“Haha, ok! Where do you wanna order?”

“That place on 6th where we used to always go on our way to work.”

“Feelin’ nostalgic, eh?”

“I’m feelin’  _ hungry _ .”

Tadashi laughs, and looks up the title of the shop online before dialing the number.

“Same thing we always got?” He asks as the number dials.

“Yeah.”

Tadashi orders their food, and they sit in the living room and browse Netflix shows to watch together. When they finally settle on The Queen’s Gambit, the food arrives.

“I’ll pay.” Kei says, getting up before Tadashi.

“No, I showed up unannounced, it’s the least I can do-”

“Don’t worry about it, Tadashi. You can pay me back by giving me my seat on the couch. You took my favorite spot on purpose, dumbass, and don’t even try to deny it.”

“Oh really?” Tadashi raises his eye and gives Kei that stupid fucking crooked grin, like drums beating against his chest, pounding, pounding-

“Dumbass. Stop trying to tease me.” Kei chuckles and opens the door to pay for their food.

“Do you wanna eat at the table or while we watch?” He asks.

“Eh.. Let’s eat while we watch.”

Tadashi gives Kei his favorite seat on the couch, and they eat while watching The Queen’s Gambit.

Kei’s hardly concentrating on the show. He keeps glancing at Tadashi, who looks so  _ different _ but still looks exactly the same, sitting down on his couch like they used to do before he left. He changed so much, he was so much more  _ confident  _ now. He was sure of himself, sure of every single crooked grin and teasing lilt to his voice. He took Kei on a  _ date _ the other night, for God’s sake. Who  _ was _ he, the man Kei was following? Who was it that he’s surrendering to? Who was it, like sifted cinnamon and chocolate ganache that’s flirting so  _ blatantly _ ? Tadashi’s always known every button to press, and now that he’s back from university with piercings and leather and confidence, he presses each button without hesitation. He knows Kei inside and out, every little tell he’s got, and left Kei guessing, scrambling to figure out just who it is that walked into the bakery just a little over a week ago, just who it is that’s sitting on his couch smiling sweetly to himself smiling tenderly, smiling tragically, as he watches the show. Kei knows next to  _ nothing _ about the person who knows him best.

But there’s a lot of things about Tadashi that Kei thinks never changed- like the way his crooked smile never changed no matter how many different ways it feels to see him smile. No matter what words came before it, he could never change how he smiled, even if it felt different, meant something different. His freckles stayed the same, too. Like he put them on every morning, like he sifted them onto his face and they laid there like stardust and nutmeg, a constant no matter what else about Tadashi’s face changes. And Tadashi was always perceptive, even if he never spoke confidently about what he saw in Kei before. He noticed everything from the start, everything from  _ years _ ago building up and being pushed down and thrown out, thrown away, thrown at him.

From the second Tadashi walked into the bakery, walked back into Kei’s life, he’d had Kei at checkmate. It’s only a matter of time before every little victory since he got back piles up and spreads out at the same time, it’s only a matter of time before Kei surrenders entirely. Every little piece and brick of the walls Kei’s been building ever since Tadashi left will crumble, and it’ll be from the inside.

Kei’ll crumble for Tadashi, at the snap of his fingers, and surrender.

_ Shit _ , Kei thinks as he eats his takeout on the couch, next to the man he’d surrender everything for, whose snorting and choking on his food at a witty comeback the main character of the show makes.

_ I’m in deep _ .

They both fall asleep around episode five, somewhere long after midnight. But Kei suspects he’d fallen much earlier than that.

  
  


\-----

  
  


To celebrate graduating high school together, Tadashi and Kei went on a mini-adventure. They told each of their parents they’d be at the other’s house, and snuck into the bakery with Kei’s spare key. They made raspberry danishes, éclairs, all their favorite pastries. They got into the frosting and painted each other's faces- painted with blues and pinks and sugars and freckles, painted with freedom and joys. They used their thumbs to paint their faces with cinnamon and chocolate ganache, paint with smiles and sarcastic laughs and raised eyebrows. Kei remembers silver running down his cheeks that night, glittery and thick, and chocolate ganache like tears and gold running down Tadashi’s face. Their tears like gold and silver raced down their cheeks, and they were laughing too hard to care who won.

They painted everything they had held back. Everything they reserved and drew behind them until that moment, until it was bursting in candied colors against their cheeks, being licked off their mouths. They fought sword fights with the little tools, narrated big and “ _ so fucking cringy, Tadashi _ ” stories about risen-bread heroes and pastry-sweet victories, recounted the stories from when they were kids, when they were the heroes. They split up the different pastries they made like dreams and wishes and cut them up, divided who got which happy ending. They presented their wishes on the bakery’s fancy plates with little frosted designs on the platters, put just a little too much chocolate ganache, a little too much gold and silver, a little bit too much hope onto their final glaze of some of the pastries. They split the dry and wet ingredients for their second batch, and moved onto different pastries that didn’t need time to rise- dreams that’ll come sooner, paths they’ll meet the next day- while they waited for their pastries with yeast to finish rising. 

As their assortment of pastries baked, they sat down on the floors with their sides and legs pressed against each other, leaning back on the cabinets.

“...Tadashi.”

“Yeah?”

“We’re gonna get in so much trouble tomorrow.”

“I think it already  _ is _ tomorrow.”

“Same difference. Even if we cleaned everything up, we used a shitload of flour. We’re gonna get caught... Heh. All this for a couple of shitty pastries. Is that danish you got in there a pastry or is it gonna come out like some sort of poundcake?” 

“Sorry, Kei. But I bet.. Your éclair is gonna look real flat. You ought to knead the dough more.”

Kei chuckled.

“We’re in deep shit now, huh?”

“Well.. We’re adults. I think that from now on we’ll always be in deep shit.”

“You tryna get all existential and deep on me?”

“I’m trying to say we’re independent now. So we’ll just have to take responsibility for whatever your mom finds when she opens up shop tomorrow.”

“Buzzkill.”

“Sorry.”

“..Hey, Tadashi?”

“Hmm?”

“You have frosting on your eyebrow.”

Kei decides the rest of that conversation isn’t important. It’s them babbling- nonsense, just speculations and random dialogue that’d mean nothing to them anyways. Nothing of substance, nothing of meaning came out of that night. But it was nice, being meaningless for once. They spoke insignificantly- tenderly, tragically.

When the pastries came out, they sat down on the floor again, cutting their dreams in half and measuring the outcome of each one. Eventually they lost track of whose dreams were whose, and what was done wrong or right. When the sun rose like yeast and the sunlight was uncovered, Marumi walked into the bakery and found the kitchen spick and span. Kei and Tadashi were sitting against the cupboard counters, with their heads on each other's shoulders. They had practically passed out after eating so much warm bread, covered in flour and frosting and jam all over their clothes, and Marumi made sure to take a photo of them both tucked into each other, fast asleep before waking them up and yelling their ears off for breaking into the bakery.

The next day, a new photo was framed, put up in the Yamaguchi and Tsukishima house - and in the walls of the bakery too. It stayed there, a constant in both households no matter what else changed, a constant within the bakery, with cinnamon sifted over it and chocolate ganache borders.

The next day, Kei and Tadashi were in deep trouble, but neither of them regretted a single thing.

  
  


\-----

Kei forgot how to act around Tadashi when he realized how deeply he’d gotten himself into his own box of feelings, how easily he’d gotten himself ensnared in his own trap.

The next day, Kei didn’t work. Tadashi left early in the morning with nothing but a text, a “ _ had to go! spending time with my parents today :) I had fun, kei!! _ ”. He was thankful that's all he got, because anything more and Kei would’ve just laid on the couch all day trying to pretend he didn’t exist. At the very least, he replies with a quick “ _ me too _ ”. But regardless of how easy Tadashi made it to go about his day like nothing happened last night, Kei thought more and more about the previous night and what it meant for him. It made him want to melt into the cushions of the couch and stay there. 

Instead, he has breakfast with Akiteru. 

They were an awkward pair when left to be alone with each other. Akiteru had long since moved but was always only an hour away, so they saw each other frequent enough to say they kept in touch. He was home for the holidays while his fiancé visited his family in Europe, so Akiteru just fit right in like he had back when he still lived at home. Kei and Akiteru were still a bit awkward with each other, but for the most part just didn’t really talk that much. 

Now here they are, sitting in their kitchen eating scrambled eggs, toast, and bacon, and Kei doesn't even need to feel Akiterus stare boring holes in him, it’s so fucking  _ obvious _ .

“What is it you gotta say? Spit it out.”

“Don’t be a little shit! I’m your brother! That’s rude!”

“So is staring.”

“...Well fuck. You win. I just-I got a question.”

“Shoot.”

“How long have you and Tadashi been dating?”

Kei raises an eyebrow at Akiteru. 

“We aren’t dating.”

“Pretty sure you two are dating.”

“No we aren’t.”

“Are too.”

“Are not.”

“Are too.”

“We aren’t fucking kids, Akiteru. Cut the crap.”

“I win! You’re dating!”

“No we aren’t.”

“Okay then, explain all the flirting Mom’s been telling me about!” 

“What flirting ?”

“A couple birdies at the bakery noticed some interesting morning encounters over the last week or so, and of course Mom heard about it. And~,” Akiteru nudges Kei’s shoulder from his seat next to him. “We both know that you came home  _ real _ late that one night a couple days ago, and I heard the front door closing last night and again around six am today. I know you don’t get up that early on days off. So. Lemme ask again. Since when have you and Tadashi been dating?”

“..We aren’t. Sorry to disappoint whatever gossip group you and Mom have going on with the employees, but we aren’t dating.”

“Nah, just going on dates. Goin’ on a date with the homies, no homo-”

“Last night wasn’t a date.” 

“Oh, so the first one was a date then!”

Should Kei lie and say that it wasn’t? Or would it be lying if he said he was? Kei doesn’t entirely know what that first night was, but his first reaction to Akiteru was to lie, lie,  _ lie _ . He considers it at first, but something about that felt off- like he’d be surrendering, but to the one thing he couldn’t let win. He knew that he’d set himself back, if he lied.

“...Tadashi yelled at me that night.” 

_ Ha. Avoided the answer without lying, even if I just dug myself into a different hole _ .

“Oh shit. Why?”

“Had a fight before he left for university. It’s fine now.” Well technically it isn’t a lie- they definitely didn’t leave off on good terms the night before Tadashi left.

“.. If you say so, dude. Are you sure you’re both good?”

“Yeah.”

They ate in silence, and Kei ignores his phone pinging. Akiteru keeps glancing at it, then him, then going back to his breakfast. Kei looks anywhere but at his phone, face down, surrendering.

  
  


\-----

**_9:42 AM_ **

**_tadashi_ ** _ : ah, you’re up!!  _

**_tadashi_ ** _ : do u wanna do smth today :o _

**_You_ ** _ : cant _

**_You_ ** _ : i got smth to do _

**_tadashi_ ** _ : oh okie _

**_tadashi_ ** _ : have fun <: _

**_You_ ** _ : thanks  _

  
  


\-----

  
  


Kei very much did  _ not  _ have jack shit planned for the day. He just needed time. Time to figure out what the  _ fuck _ was going on, some time to lay down and listen to music and let everything unravel so he can finally understand what the  _ fuck _ he’s feeling, what the fuck he was feeling before Tadashi left, what his return means for him. For the both of them.

He did what he was doing the afternoon before, and just laid down and soaked in the music as it unraveled everything in front of him, as it surrendered everything he had been pushing away. He waded into his thoughts, swimming in everything that he kept thinking would drown him. What does he feel for Tadashi? How long has he been feeling it? What does he feel about Tadashi having changed? 

He’s got a lot of shit to figure out, and soon. Christmas was a week away, and Tadashi would be gone by New Year’s.

Kei spends the rest of the day surrendering himself to his thoughts- again and again, trying to find an answer. He falls asleep around midday, thinking of cinnamon, silver and chocolate ganache. He gives into his thoughts tenderly, tragically.

  
  


\-----

  
  


Kei knew it was coming. That it was only a matter of time. They were 20, of  _ course _ Tadashi was going to have to quit working at the bakery and leave for university soon. And Kei still had no idea what the fuck he wanted to do- whether it was keep the bakery, like his mom wanted either he or Akiteru to do, or find some other thing that he was “passionate” about, or whatever. Tadashi was going to study to become a teacher, was going to study to  _ do something _ with his life, and Kei was going to sit and wait for his life to find him. He was going to sit and do  _ nothing _ , because what the hell could he do? The only surefire way to live a good life was to take ownership of the bakery, it was the only thing he  _ knew _ how to do. What could he learn? Would it be enough, just a degree in whatever skill he chooses? Kei’s been making pastries since he was a kid, it was the only thing he couldn’t ever mess up. A skill he couldn’t ever ruin, the one thing that he cannot leave, the one thing that can't leave him.

The night before Tadashi left for university, left for  _ good _ , he asked Kei to go to the park with him. He said that he wanted to talk but Kei knew he wanted to say goodbye, Kei fucking  _ knew  _ it. Tadashi was reliable in how predictable the both of them were- Kei anticipated Tadashi wanting to say goodbye in his own way, and surely Tadashi knew Kei wasn’t going to do that, surely he knew Kei wasn’t going to surrender. So everything would be fine. Tadashi probably would’ve anticipated being left alone and not gone into the park in the first place. Tadashi probably only asked him to do that out of posterity, out of wanting some sort of finality, closure. Well he’s got it, they both got that closure the moment Tadashi said he was leaving. 

Kei went to the bakery that night, a block away from the park.

He walked in slowly. He left everything he’d felt, everything he hated and loved and missed and pushed away, setting it at the door and walking in. It felt a lot like grieving, like he was losing something with each step he took. He flicked on the light and looked at the same place he and Tadashi had fallen asleep the night they’d graduated, sat down and crossed his legs. He remembered absentmindedly how they slept, how they looked in that framed photo, with their legs splayed and tangled together while they leaned against each other and drifted in golds and silvers, and breads and dreams.

Kei opened his phone, and didn’t even bother to read the messages Tadashi was leaving him. He played music, leaned his head back, and stared at the roof until he felt  _ nothing _ . Nothing at all. He didn’t leave his spot on the floor, didn’t walk home until what must’ve been three in the morning. He didn’t pick up all the weight, all twelve years with Tadashi, that he’d left at the front doors of the bakery. He just walked home, and went to bed.

When Kei woke up the next morning, Tadashi was gone, and Kei didn’t feel a single thing.

Twelve years, gone in just a couple hours. Kei went into work that afternoon totally fine. Everyone kept sending concerned glances- all the employees long since knew that the bakery wouldn’t be the same when Tadashi quit. They didn’t ask him any questions, no “are you okay?”, no “how are you feeling?”, because they knew Kei wouldn’t even reply. Kei wouldn’t even have to, because everything is fine and nothing is wrong with him. 

His mom was concerned, though, when Kei started to drift away from Tadashi’s parents, from her, from Akiteru, from  _ everyone _ . He was fine though, and nothing was wrong with him. But even when he told everyone just as much, they kept sending disbelieving, concerned glances. 

Eventually, he’d gotten himself to forget Tadashi in general. He stopped thinking of him every day, because Tadashi had stopped texting every day. He moved on, he pushed back sifted cinnamon, chocolate ganache, apologies, crooked smiles and freckles. He pushed back twelve years- twelve years of  _ nothing _ , that’s what it all was- it was nothing to Kei. It was nothing, it was nothing, it was nothing. 

It took a year, but eventually he’d finally fully convinced himself of it. He was nothing, Tadashi was nothing, they both were  _ nothing _ . 

Poof, and it’s all gone, right?

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAA tysm for reading!! pls consider commenting bc i physically exist on this earth for validation ksjvjnbsn
> 
> what did u guys think about punk tadashi? what do you think the next surprise will be? punk tadashi is definitely one of the bigger surprises, and then everything else is just different ideas i had that i decided to fit into this au! comment ur guy's thoughts abt punk tadashi.. i cant stop THINKING abt him and i wanna know what u guys think!!
> 
> u can find me as senkusIut (with an i) on twitter, and tastefully-illiterate on tumblr!
> 
> thank you again for reading, and i'll see you next week!


	3. what a wicked thing you do, to make me dream of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The road to healing is a long one. Slowly but surely, Tadashi works up the bravery to follow the path as he takes each step forward.
> 
> But its the fucking _hardest _thing he's ever had to do.__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello folks!! ch3 is coming about 12 hrs early!! i hope everyone who has finals is doing well aand taking care of themselves!! and even if u arent u better be getting rest and hydrating urselves >:c /lh 
> 
> the song from this chapter title is Wicked Game by Grace Carter, which is in the spotify playlist for this au that you can find [here!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4xEzxXsyG1oUSG4nuUsJTM)
> 
> this chapter is almost entirely flashback, and its the first tadashi pov o: 
> 
> theres another surprise that comes along with chapter 3!! itll take a little while longer but theres def more surpises this week ;)
> 
> i hope you all enjoy this early update!!

Tadashi knew he loved Kei the night they graduated. Sitting down on the floor, letting the smell of pastries baking waft above and around them like a blanket of heat and sugar, it felt less like a reality in front of him and more like a possibility, a glimpse at what could’ve been their future. He knew he loved Kei when he looked into his eyes, when they painted stardust and hope onto each other's faces with frosting on their thumbs and tears running down their cheeks, knew he loved Kei when they split up their pastries like gifts and shared every single one of them. They spoke softly that night, spoke tenderly, tragically. 

It was hard to adapt after he left for university. He didn’t know who he was without Kei, it was like losing a limb- an extension of himself he could always just turn his head and find. It hurt, waiting for hours at that park, waiting on the bench, texting, texting. Kei’s absence filled Tadashi up- it suffocated him, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe until the next day, when he’d left the entire fucking  _ prefecture _ . It took hours of sitting on the train to put distance between what he felt and who he was- who he felt and who he couldn’t feel by his side any longer. 

He didn’t know what to think about it- what to think about Kei leaving him, as if he needed to be the one who left first, as if it was to spite Tadashi. But he was so  _ sure _ of himself, so sure that going to university was good, so why couldn’t Kei just be  _ happy  _ for him? It was like he was defending himself- like Tadashi going to university was an attack, and Kei needed to have the final blow. He _always_ needed to have the final blow. As if it were some sort of fight, and he could never surrender.

When he found campus, got his room key, and arrived at the dorms, his roommate was already there- and clearly.. Busy? Doing something? 

“Swear to  _ God _ , Noya, don’t make me call fucking poison control! I’m not even  _ there _ !” 

It was a young person with light gray hair, talking on the phone to someone who Tadashi hopes is not in mortal danger at the moment. They're pacing around their semi-living room, semi-kitchen, and doesn’t notice Tadashi coming in with his suitcases and backpack until he closes the door.

“Noya, you fucking- call Asahi. I’m not your parent, and I’m sure your family is probably out there looking for you. Somewhere. I’d prefer it if they didn’t see you coming back to them in a casket. Can you just- go to the goddamn  _ hospital _ already! My roommate's here. I gotta go. Bye, dumbass, don’t die.” They hang up the phone, turn to Tadashi and smile like their friend who they just hung up on isn’t clearly in some sort of mortal danger.

“Hey! You must be Yamaguchi! Nice to meet you.” They extend their hand.

“Nice to meet you too. You’re Sugawara, right?” Tadashi shakes their hand, and sets down one of his suitcases.

“Yep! Thats me,” Sugawara flashes a grin. “Call me Suga. I use they/them and he/him pronouns. I got here last night. I took the room on the left, but I don’t mind switching if you want to.”

“Oh, no, it’s totally fine. And I-uh. I use he/him pronouns.” 

“All right! Now that we’ve settled that...What are you majoring in?” 

  
  


Tadashi and Suga get along very well. He was introduced to Nishinoya and Tanaka through Suga (after the second week of living on campus, when they burst in very loudly and startled him while he was cooking lunch). They broke into the dorms again a couple days later with more people- Hinata, Kageyama, Daichi (Suga’s boyfriend) and Asahi. Suga kept apologizing for them all “harassing” Tadashi, but he didn’t really mind too much so long as he wasn’t studying. They were a rowdy bunch that took time to get used to, but they were pretty fun. Nishinoya had taken a special interest in Tadashi and made it a point to befriend him. They were nonbinary too, and introduced themself with “ _ Hey, I’m Noya! I’m nonbinary, and if you disrespect mine or my friend’s pronouns my teeth will disrespect your bones- and sell them on the black market _ .”

_ A bit of an unorthodox way to introduce yourself, but points for individuality. _ Tadashi had thought to himself, shaking their hand.

Nishinoya was very excited to have a new friend, and they made it abundantly clear the second they traded numbers. Tadashi received hourly meme spam, and was added to a group chat he could barely keep up with, but tried his best to participate in regardless. After about two weeks, both Suga and Noya convinced him to start going out more, and became fast friends with Tanaka and Daichi, as well. Tanaka, the “token straight”, was probably the loudest. And also the most prone to defenestration. He was trans, and at first was extremely apprehensive of Tadashi, especially when the topic of gender came up. But eventually, Noya said he’d gotten “ _ the stamp of approval from the trans community, my good bitch _ ” and was deemed the “ _ local good boy, could never do anything wrong. I mean, look at those freckles, my dude!” _ After that, Tanaka started taking off his shirt and threatening anyone that gave Tadashi strange looks whenever they went out to malls or parks. At first Tadashi thought he was a public danger to society, but it eventually just became endearing. They were an odd group, and sometimes Tadashi felt like he didn’t quite fit in with them, but it was still fun to be around them regardless. Unless Tanaka was trying to jump out off a window, or Nishinoya tries to drink vegetable oil.

Roughly three weeks into living at the dorms is when Suga brought up the elephant in the room. Tadashi was eating ramen in their living room, watching a soap opera on his laptop.

“Aight, Yams, who’re you so hung up on? Bad breakup? Long term relationship?”

“Huh?”

“I know it's only been like a couple weeks, but you keep getting this misty look in your eyes at random times, and then you pretend nothing happened. Like- like you’ve just suffered a heavy breakup and you’re trying not to think about it. So. What’s up?”

“...Huh?”   
  


“Is my gaydar not working? Are you not hung up on someone right now?”

“...I wasn't dating anyone… But- but I think I am hung up on someone.”

“Ah. A friend?”

“Something like that. We’ve been friends- I’ve- I’ve known him. Since we both were eight.”

“Woah. That's a long time. How old are you?”

“20.”

“Twelve years, shit. Falling out?”

“Something like that.”

“I’m here, if you want to talk about it. It’s cool if you don’t want to, though. I know we haven’t exactly known each other for that long.” Suga rubs his shoulder, and Tadashi flinches, thinking it was going to be one of their patented Suga Slaps, which “ _ attack you with positivity, bitch! _ ”. He wasn’t exactly in the mood to be assaulted, and was glad Suga picked up on that.

“Thanks Suga. I’m just. Thinking a lot about how we were. Dynamics and all that.”

“Don’t sit on it more than you need to, man! You don’t have to let it get you all bummed out unless you feel like you need some time to be sad for a while. What’s done is done. Hey, what’re you watching?”

“Just a random soap opera I found on Netflix.”

“Can I watch with you? Is it still the first episode?”

“Yeah! Go ahead. It’s only a couple minutes in, I’ll rewind.”

The both of them stayed up till four in the morning, very much not doing their homework, and very much  _ not  _ crying at the sudden death of a very sweet character in the soap opera. 

Tadashi stopped texting Kei the next day. He stopped reaching out for gold, gold, gold. He stopped showing how badly he wanted him, tenderly, tragically.

  
  


\-----

  
  


Tadashi didn’t talk about Kei nearly as much as he thought he would, considering how much he’d thought of him in the first three months of his new life on his own. It was like in a way Kei had followed him to university. Any time he’d done something wrong he felt like he’d have to apologize to him, expecting some sort of sarcastic comment,  _ something-  _ and always anticipating that the something he’s waiting for would be cold and scathing and rude. He was so used to being malleable, jumpy, anxious- and as he grew older and decided to look for his own personal niche, he grew less and less to be an extension of Kei and more independent, more sure of the path he wanted to take.

But he wasn’t entirely sure he could do it alone.

After twelve years, could they really separate just like that? Could Tadashi live without Kei? Does he  _ want _ to? Does  _ Kei _ want to? Is he prepared for that, stepping away from the one thing he’s always been beside for twelve years? Is he ready for the distance between them, or would it all crush him? Would he be better off without Kei? Would Kei be better off without him? What does Kei want? Is Kei okay with Tadashi just up and leaving, abandoning him?

Considering the night before Tadashi left, considering the cold, cold,  _ cold  _ Tadashi felt as he waited endlessly for who a part of him  _ knew  _ wasn’t coming, considering the big “ _f_ _ uck you” _ that the entire night was, Tadashi thinks that Kei either didn’t want Tadashi to stay, or hated that he was leaving even more. Maybe both. Maybe Kei wanted him to stay, but thought better of it. Or maybe Kei wanted Tadashi to go, wanted to push him away and forget their friendship.

Tadashi was thinking so much about what Kei wanted. What he wanted, what  _ he  _ wanted, what the man that hurt Tadashi, the man that left him sitting out in a fucking park for  _ hours _ wanted. 

But he was the man Tadashi loved regardless of it. And part of Tadashi hates it, how much he loves Kei. Part of him just wants to lose himself in chasing after Kei- but that part was fading, drifting away with the weeks of texts gone unanswered. He’s slowly losing that dependency to Kei, and part of him despises it- loathes how much he doesn’t want to love Kei, doesn’t want to lean on him. He’s feeling so conflicted, because Tadashi fucking  _ loves _ him, but Kei’s fucking  _ gone _ even though  _ Tadashi _ ’s supposed to be the one that left, and it still feels like it was _Kei_ who left first, as if it really were a battle to see who gets the last laugh, who doesn't surrender.  _ Tadashi _ ’s supposed to be the one who takes charge, and for once it was time for Kei to sit back and be happy for him. Why the  _ fuck  _ wasn’t Kei happy for him?

Tadashi shows up at Suga’s bedroom door one late spring night, having gone two and a half months without even mentioning the man he’s been thinking about for twelve years. He knocks, and it echoes throughout their tiny hall, into their semi-living room, semi-kitchen. It echoes off Tadashi’s chest like he’s closing a chapter of his life, and it's the door to a quiet old bakery shutting that’s echoing, resonating everywhere, reflecting off of Tadashi and pushing the door in front of him open.

“Yams? Its- it’s one in the morning, what’s up? Are you okay?”

“Suga- I. I want to get over him. I want to get over Kei.” Tadashi finds it hard at first to meet Suga’s eye, but the second he does it, he finds the courage to maintain eye contact. 

“Dunno who the fuck that is, but get in here. I’ll get some ice cream, just sit down on the bed.”

“You’ve got ice cream in your room?”

“Mayhaps I brought a mini fridge from home for my studying nights.”

Tadashi sat down quietly, twiddling his thumbs.

“Sorry for-”

“Don’t apologize. I’ve just about finished my work anyways. What’s up?” Suga hands Tadashi a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a plastic spoon.

“Remember that guy you said I was hung up over, back when school had just started?”

“Yeah.”

“I- I think that. I wanna move on. But I dont- I don’t wanna forget him, either.”

“That’s good, and that’s smart. What was his name, again?”

“Tsukishima Kei.”

“And what was he to you?”

“My best friend. And- and.. My crush. For-for two years.”

“You loved him?”

“...I think I still do. But.. But less and less each day.”

Suga’s quiet for a moment. They look down at their own rocky road pint of ice cream and open the top, and stabbed right into the center of it with their plastic spoon.

“Alright. Tell me everything, buddy. It’s gonna be a long night.”

  
  


\-----

  
  


After a lot of talking, Suga recommended Tadashi go to therapy. They were pretty certain that Tadashi and Kei had a dysfunctional friendship because of how their dynamic worked, and it took a lot of thinking on it to realize that they were right. Tadashi had spent  _ years  _ just apologizing to Kei, adapting to him, learning him inside and out and accepting every little shitty sarcastic comment and insult with eager eyes. Tadashi was too easily submissive, too anxious, too easily swayed into doubting himself by Kei. He’d always be  _ beneath _ him, always be there for him, and always be the one chasing after him. He was the support, the second-best, the sidekick. Kei always had to have the upper hand, always had to be the one in control, taking the lead- and all Tadashi ever did was follow after him in wonder for 12 years.

So why the fuck does Tadashi still  _ want  _ him?

His therapist as of early summer the year Tadashi left -Dr. Shimura- tells him that lots of times, people are aware of things like toxic situations, but still feel love for it. Sometimes it's out of habit, and sometimes it’s because there’s something there that could be saved, something that they can preserve.

Could Tadashi and Kei be saved? Were they  _ worth _ saving?

Were his feelings for Kei habitual, were those feelings even  _ healthy _ ? Or was it a sign that they weren’t completely irreparable?

  
  


\-----

  
  


That fall, Tadashi started exploring himself more. He tried on dresses, skirts, bright colors, and dark. He was introduced to the punk aesthetic by Suga, Noya, and Tanaka, who ended up being his closest friends. He learned how to do sharp makeup with dark colors and highlights that popped from Suga. Noya taught him how to use chains and collars on his clothing, and Tanaka taught him “ _ the art of ripping up your own fucking skinny jeans, its so cathartic dude _ !”

It gave him a confidence he didn’t expect to find in spiked collars, chains, dark clothing and big, clunky shoes.

The first few months of therapy -learning how to be himself and  _ finding _ himself through experimenting with different looks- Tadashi threw himself into everything. His classwork, his therapy, his friends. He threw himself into Iwate University, and surrounded himself with new, new, new. Nothing familiar, nothing he knew. 

He didn’t visit any bakeries with his friends for the first year of college.

But it was still fun to be around Suga, Noya, Tanaka, and their friends. It was a release for Tadashi, a reminder that comfort could come in many forms. He may no longer be comforted by sarcastic grins, blond hair and raised eyebrows, but he could find so much more comfort in 3-am soap opera ice cream binges with Suga, and visits to cat cafes with Tanaka and Nishinoya. The cat cafes weren’t exactly what Tadashi had expected from them, but he found it endearing nevertheless. 

The first time they went, they took a couple photos of Tadashi. He was sitting cross legged inside the cafe, while a kitten at his shoulder and one was climbing into his lap. He’s looking away from the camera in the first one, smiling down at the shorthair calico making her way into the cradle of his legs with one of his hands on her head. In the second one, the cat’s laying down in his lap and he’s looking up to his left- he’s smiling at Noya, off-screen, who's cooing at a white cat with black socks. It has a solid shot of Tadashi’s right profile, where he had a side parting and a fresh undercut. In the third one he’s finally noticed he’s being photographed, and his face flushes a splotchy red instantly. In the fourth, his startling scares off the cat at his shoulder, and it’s a perfect snapshot of the cat’s back legs absolutely decking Tadashi in the cheek. His face is squished as the cat’s back legs absolutely slam into his face, and clearly scratching his cheek. In the last one, he’s laughing at the camera so hard he can’t even  _ see _ , with the cat in his lap nuzzling at his hand sitting on his left knee for attention.

Honestly, he hadn’t expected Tanaka and Nishinoya to cry.

“AAAAAHH look at him! He’s so fucking  _ precious _ , he’s baby your honor!” Tanaka wails.

“A wild baby boy! He- I- baby boy!” Noya half-cries into Tanaka’s chest, before Tanaka pushes them away and pulls off his shirt, swinging it in the air as he cries.

Suga just stares at the photo they’d taken with a smile on their face.

“Why are they calling me a baby? I’m 21 in like.. Two months.”

“You’re cute as fuck. That’s why. I think it’s the freckles. Also you’re like, figuring yourself out and discovering your found family and shit. Y’know, the standard LGBT lifestyle. Plus you’re a shy anxious bisexual gaining confidence and finding yourself. Cutesy trope-y ass shit. But it’s mostly the freckles and the cats.”’ They reply, before they show him the photo.

“I’m literally dressed like I’m going to a funeral. With-with the long black skirt, the clunky boots, the  _ chains and spiky collar _ . Tell me again why it’s  _ cute _ ?”

“Fuckin’ freckles, man. It just- it overpowers it all.”

“I’m.. Not even gonna question it.”

“Yeah you shouldn’t. We should- Tanaka should put his shirt on. We’re gonna get banned if they catch him doing it again.”

“He’s done this in public before?”

“And now we can’t go to the McDonalds on campus.  _ Or _ the library.  _ Or _ the other McDonalds next to that Starbucks on-”

“Oh  _ God _ . How is he still allowed in Japan?”

“Sheer spite, and yours truly.”

“... Makes sense.”

Tanaka thankfully doesn’t get them banned from the cat cafe, which means they can still frequent it as much as they can. They do go again, very often, and come home with lots of pictures, lots of photos framed on their dorm walls- and in more than half of them, Tanaka is very much shirtless.

_ God, I love my friends so much _ . Tadashi thinks to himself. He thinks it every single day, every single time they split the bill for shitty takeout food even though they all could afford it, every single time they’re politely asked to vacate a premises for indecent exposure.

  
  


\-----

  
  


It takes a full year and a half for Tadashi to decide that yes, he is  _ finally _ his own person.

He’s finally grown his own arms, his own legs, his own independent mind and found the courage to walk away from Kei. But it wasn’t like their friendship was all too bad. Tadashi  _ loved _ him for a reason. Kei was blunt and held nothing back when he had something to say, and was always quick with comebacks, quick with wit, quick in general. As he’d finally achieved that feeling, like he was his own person and not some distant echo of what belonged to  _ Kei _ ,  _ Kei, Kei,  _ he could finally look back at their lives and see the good in it without feeling like it was faked, like all of it was some scheme orchestrated by Kei. 

In a way, Kei was a victim to their relationship too. And Tadashi took a while to finally be able to admit to that as well without feeling like he was losing himself in the process. Kei hadn’t learned how to express his emotions, process them- hell, he couldn’t even let himself feel and  _ identify _ them. He hadn’t even learned to say  _ sorry _ , because Tadashi would always jump to apologize before Kei could even consider what it was that had gone wrong.

The only thing untouched by their own mistakes was baking. 

They couldn’t bake their flaws into everything they made. Their hands -no matter how misshapen from adapting, molding to accommodate each other- could still knead the dough into something untouched by their imperfections. 

Baking was the only thing they could share without ruining.

Tadashi left therapy roughly a year into his time at college. He thanked Dr. Shimura profusely, and she sent him off with well wishes and reassurances that no matter whether or not his and Kei’s paths cross again, no matter how inextricably they became tied again, Tadashi had grown too much to let himself recede back into that same small niche that stopped him from growing.

For the first year at university, every time he got a break, Tadashi went home. Every time he got a break, Tadashi made sure that the Tsukishima family had  _ no  _ idea that Tadashi was once again, just a block away. So close, and yet whenever Tadashi had to drive by the bakery, every time the Tsukishima bakery came up in any way or form, he felt like he was 260 kilometers away again. Like everything he’d known was the same, and when he came back to visit his family, he couldn't  _ fit _ like he used to. He’s not sure if that's a good thing or not- not sure if he even wants it to be.

In his second year at Iwate, he doesn’t visit as often. He still goes sometimes to visit his parents, yeah, but it doesn’t really feel as necessary anymore- he’s no longer obligated to remember it. He’s no longer obligated to think about  _ him _ or the bakery, or anything.

When he tells Suga that he’s finally reached a point where he feels like he’s his own independent person, they insist on celebrating with their friends. Tadashi insists against it, so they compromise and invite Noya and Tanaka to their dorms. More accurately, Suga invites Tanaka and Noya to kick open their perfectly unlocked front door.

“What the hap is fuckening, my dudes?!” The door hasn’t even finished slamming against the wall when Noya shouts.

“No, Noya,  _ I _ wanted to say it!”

“You snooze, you lose.”

“Who the  _ fuck  _ do you see snoozing, I’m wide a-fucking-wake-”

“Hey guys! Can you like.. Not kick down our door? I like my attempted break-ins to be  _ failed _ , thank you very much. I don't want the door broken-”

“YAMAGUUUUUUUUUCHIIIIIIIIII!!” Nishinoya interrupts Tadashi, tackling him so hard they both hit the ground with a thud.

“Oh my God you guys started a dogpile without me?” 

“Suga, no-!” Tadashi chokes out from his position, slammed onto the floor of the doorway. Suga runs from their stance in the kitchen to jump on top of both Noya and Tadashi, and Tanaka follows with a chimpanzee-esque screech of delight.

“Guys, I can’t breathe-”

“That’s cause we’re suffocating you with love.” Tanaka grins from the top of the dogpile pressing on Tadashi’s chest.

“Suga why did I agree to let them come over?”

“Because you’re a sweetheart and deserve the Dogpile Of Love.”

“Do I deserve to  _ die  _ like this too?”

“He’s actually dying, guys, I can hear his lungs being crushed, abort mission! Abort the mission!”

“ _ Thank _ you Noya. I was starting to fear for my life.”

“Bold of you to assume you shouldn’t always fear for your life.” Suga says as they push Tanaka off them and get off of Nishinoya.

“Suga the other day you cried because I sneezed and got ice cream on my nose. I don't think I should fear you.”

“It’s cause of your  _ fucking freckles _ , sir you  _ cannot tell me _ you aren’t an absolutely adorable man! The hell was I supposed to do?  _ Not _ cry at the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life? You sneeze like a rabbit! How the hell do you sneeze like a rabbit, go cross eyes when you see a bit of ice cream on your nose, and raise your eyebrows at it and not expect me to physically dissolve into a puddle?!”

“Yeah you do sneeze like a rabbit. It’s cute as fuck.” Tanaka nods, sitting cross legged on the floor. Noya and Suga follow suit, so they all just sit down cross-legged in their doorway, with the door still wide open.

“Hey, so..” Noya scratches the back of their neck. “Th’fuck are we celebrating?”

“Oh my God, Yams, did you not tell them?”

“I forgot they didn't know! Sorry, Suga!”

“Didn’t know what?” Tanaka asks, with a raised eyebrow. He’s got the same look on his face he wears when he’s concerned for his friends, or about to instigate a battle to the death in their honor.

“Don’t worry, Ryu,” Suga pats his knee. “We’re celebrating because it's something he doesn’t need to ever worry about again.”

“Dunno about ever again, but.. I think I can see him again. I can- I can face him.” Tadashi smiles to himself.

“Who? Someone to murder? The fuck did he do to you? I’ll fucking  _ kill- _ ”

“No, Ryu! I deadass just said he’s  _ over _ him. Wasn’t either of their faults, either.”

“If you’re sure.” Tanaka pouts, and Tadashi laughs.

“Well.. It’s a long story I guess.”

“We’ve got time.” Noya nods, from Tadashi’s left.

“Then let's start this story from the beginning. The name of the former love of my life is Tsukishima Kei. My best friend for twelve years.”

“Gay.”

“Swear to _God, Noya,_ he’s been talking for _two seconds_ and you _already_ _interrupt-_ ”

“Suga, you know you’re technically interrupting me too, right?”

“...Fuck.”

Tadashi laughs -which Suga once again calls cute as fuck, because of his freckles- and starts talking. He speaks tenderly, tragically, of golds and silvers and the smell of pastries baking.

  
  


\-----

  
  


Tadashi tells his parents he’s coming home for Christmas around October. He’s got a month to prepare himself- two months to get ready to face Kei. Suga tells him every day that he’s got this, he’s  _ got it _ , because that was the reassurance Tadashi needed regardless of what challenge the day had prepared for him. And the days leading up to winter break were no different for Suga, but meant everything else to Tadashi.

He’s coming  _ home _ . Hell, he was so nervous he grew his hair out again because he didn’t want to startle anyone when he got back.

November flew by unsettlingly fast. It barreled down like a bullet train, crashing right into exams week. Tadashi was too busy cramming to even think about sleeping, let alone seeing his former best friend for the first time in two years. Too much to unpack there, and somehow even more to unpack in his textbooks in front of him. 

The night after his last test, Tadashi, Noya, Suga and Tanaka all passed out at Daichi’s place (which Tadashi apologized profusely for the next morning). 

“Are you sure it’s okay?”

“Yeah, don’t worry! Noya and Tanaka do it all the time.”

“Okay well.. I’ll get out of your hair. Is Suga staying with you?”

“Yeah, we’ve got a date planned. They’ll be back around nine tonight.”

“Thanks again. Daichi. Bye!”

“Bye, stay safe!”

Tadashi waits outside Daichi’s place for the inevitable scene of Tanaka and Nishinoya getting violently and angrily shooed off the premises. It only took three minutes for Suga to wake them up and scare them off- an angry Suga awake before noon is a dangerous one, and they knew that fact well. Tadashi gets them an Uber, and walks to the dorms from campus with Nishinoya.

“So.”

“So?”

“You leave the day after tomorrow?”

“Actually, I leave tomorrow.”

“Damn.”

“Why?”

“...Do you still love him?”

“I don’t. But I think I will again. I- I want to see if I can love him without sacrificing myself to do it.”

“Proud of ya, Yams.” Noya stops walking and puts their fist up. 

“..Me too, Noya.” 

He bumps their fist and they part ways.

  
  


\-----

  
  


“Did you have fun at Daichi’s place?” Tadashi asks as Suga walks in, later that day. He’s just finished packing for his train ride the next day when they shut the door behind them.

“You could say that, yeah. I’m tired as fuck. D’you wanna watch movies?”

“Sure. You’re home early.”

“Yeah. I wanted to spend some time with you before you left to have that dramatic ass reunion or whatever and test yourself to see how much you’ve grown like some hero coming back from a quest. The average Saturday, yknow?”

“Yeah,” Tadashi chuckles. “I’ve got a long winter ahead of me.”

“Hey, bring me back one of the pastries from the bakery. If you don’t end up marrying that baker, I will.”

“But you’re dating Daichi!”

“He won't mind.”

“I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.”

“I’d marry that man  _ just _ for the pastries. Sounds like he’s got shit to work out but bitch, if  _ I _ had a baker as a childhood best friend?? I’d? Put a ring on that shit? So fast?”

“So you’d marry Kei just for his pastries.”

“Shit man, in a  _ heartbeat _ ! I like pastries! Is he tall?”

“Very.”

“Handsome?”

“Gorgeous.”

“Tadashi, what the fuck are you still doing here?”

“What?”

“Go get your mans! The _fuck_ are you here for?! He’s a little fucked -and by a little I mean a lot- up but he sounds like  _ such  _ a catch. Either you cuff him or I will! Actually. Noya would. They really like cakes and tall men. Bitches love a man who bakes.”

“Suga you do know I can bake just as well as Kei.. right?”

“.. What?”

“.. I can bake..?”

“Why the  _ fuck _ didn’t you tell me that before Daichi and I started dating?”

“You were already dating before we met! I can't tell if you’re being serious or not again!”

“Bitch don’t change the subject! Why have we lived together for two years and I haven't heard  _ shit _ about your baking skills?”

“Cause it wasn’t relevant?”

“...BITCH? Pastries are ALWAYS relevant. Dude.. This means I’ve been living with a bread master for two years and never knew…”

“Don’t call me bread master! I’m not a chef! You act like it’s surprising that I can bake, even after I told you about me growing up spending every day with my best friend in his bakery.. Suga..”

“I’m mostly surprised you didn't bake a single time for two years!”

“I’ve never actually… baked without him. Also we don’t have the ingredients.”

“That's so sad on so many different levels.”

“I mean if we have baking soda and flour yeast and stuff.. But I don't think I could bake with what we have.”

“Ok bet.”

“What?” Tadashi raises an eyebrow at Suga.

“I’m gonna go to the grocery store, are you coming with me? If you won’t come with me just text me what you need.”

“Hold on,  _ what _ ?” 

“Baking doesn't  _ belong  _ to this Tsukki dude. You deserve to enjoy it without him! Let's get whatever you need and start baking!”

“..Yeah. You’re right. Let me get my shoes on.”

They got home and started the dough around ten pm. Suga wanted to learn, but they also wanted cute photos to post on Instagram, so Tadashi just narrated what he was doing while they took photos. There’s photos of Tadashi in ripped skinny jeans, clunky big black boots, and a form-fitting rolled up long sleeve white shirt, covered in flour as he mixes the milk and egg in the center of a ring of flour. Suga had barely even let him take off his coat when they got home before they rushed him into the kitchen. There’s photos of him “ kneading with those strong ass arms,  _ damn _ Tadashi, you've been holdin out on us!” as he works the dough with firm hands. He’s moving with purpose, so there’s not many clear shots of Tadashi kneading the dough, but most of them show his eyebrows furrowed as he looks down. His arms look veiny, which makes him a bit insecure as he works, but Suga’s just drowning him in compliments whenever he isn’t narrating what he's doing, and moving around to take photos like a paparazzi reporter.

Suga says that their favorite photos of him are whenever they say something to fluster Tadashi, like complimenting his arms or his “snatched waist” (which he didn’t know was a term until several months ago). There’s one photo of him covered in flour with his arms raised like a puppeteer’s over the dough, looking up at Suga with an incredulous and flushed expression. Suga was telling him how much “bitches  _ loooove _ a man who bakes'' and it took everything in Tadashi not to melt into the floor and just dissolve right then and there.

Suga was always good at complimenting the parts of him that he thought weren't cool-looking, was too plain or straight up ugly. Always found the cracks in his pride and patched them up. They were his best friend, which is probably the only reason why he doesn’t stop them from taking photos all the way up until he puts the dough to rise.

“How long are we gonna be up?”

“About two hours, it’s only bread.”

“It’s already ten thirty.”

“Since when has that stopped you?” 

“Shit man, you right, you right.” Suga grins, and they both laugh.

When the bread is done two hours later, they sit down on their couch with their own puffy square of hot bread, with some strawberry jam Suga bought to dip the bread into, in little pools on the side of the plate. Suga motions for Tadashi to come onto their side of the couch, and Tadashi complies. It’s something they just do, where one just lays on top of the other- Suga calls it their Feelings Time, Tadashi just calls it very-much-needed platonic cuddling. 

“Hey Suga..?”

“Hmm?”

“...What if I can’t do it?”

“Dunno what the fuck you’re talking about.”

“Sorry. Uh. What if- what if I fall for Kei again but.. But I can’t do it in a healthy way?”

“Then that means that you guys can’t maintain a functional relationship without eventually relapsing into what you were like before. You’re too confident and badass now to let that happen, though.”

“Am I?”

“What makes you think you aren't?”

“What does two years of change mean when it's put up against twelve years of friendship?”

“It was bad for the both of you in a lot of ways, so it might not be as strong as you think.”

“But it was my entire life regardless. It shaped who I am.  _ Kei _ shaped who i am.”

“You aren’t his puppet. He isn’t your master. He probably doesn’t even know what you look like anymore. The only thing familiar about you is the haircut, and I doubt you’ll let it stay for long, since you're only growing it back for the holidays. I know how much you liked the undercut, dude.”

“Yeah, but.. What if he never liked me the way I liked him?”

“He probably did. I mean- you said it yourself. He’s repressed as fuck. Probably liked you and didn’t even realize it until you left. Maybe that's why he didn’t go to the park the day before you left. You know him best. What do you think?”

“I think he missed me before I even left. And-and he probably tried to repress it. Probably did, I bet he’d try to forget my name if he could.”

“Ha. Repressed bastard.”

“Suga! That's mean!”

“Ok but it’s true.”

“Doesn’t mean you should say it!”   


“Well you wouldn't!” 

Suga laughs as Tadashi reaches up behind himself to flick them in the forehead.

“Hey.. Suga?”

“Hmm?”

“.. Thanks.”

“Dunno what the fuck you’re talking about again.” 

“You know exactly what I’m thanking you for.” Tadashi laughs.

“Yeah. I do.”

“Hey Suga?”

“Yeah? What now?”

“Did we leave the oven on?”

“..  _ Fuck- _ ”

  
  


\-----

  
  


Tadashi woke up the next morning with more determination than he expected. He also woke up with more texts than he expected - reassurances, “YOU CAN DO IT!” in a thousand different ways, from the groupchat his friends lovingly titled “ _ok but why is mothman so thicc, i swear im not gay no hom_ ”. He smiled as he backread, seeing Daichi’s genuine “ _ good luck, Tadashi! Dunno what’s going on, but you’re a strong man! _ ”, Asahi's confused “ _ good luck? I hope everything goes well!! Happy holidays! _ ”

Honestly, the rest of the messages had been fairly incoherent- and, unsurprisingly, from Noya, Suga and Tanaka. Hinata and Kageyama were somewhere in there, trying their best to speak, but the sheer immense spam and general way of speaking that the three had basically commandeered the chat.

  
  


**_ok but why is mothman so thicc, i swear im not gay no hom_ **

**4:26 AM**

**suga rush:** ok but guys look at this 

_ suga rush sent one (1) attachment. PNG title : yamslocalbaddie _

**suga rush** : mans was bakin bread.. in our house.. sorry daichi i have a new boyf now

**suga rush** : LITERAL HUSBAND MATERIAL UGH LOOK AT HOW MUCH HES GROWN 

**daichi** : ,,

**daichi** : ok

**bald baddie** : dude wtf yall made bread without us :((

**suga rush** : stfu ill bring u some soon

**bald baddie** : :D 

**bald baddie** : anyways as a straight man i can comfortably say that tadashi is officially the finest person in this entire friend group, step a side, there’s a new bad bitch in town 

_ suga rush changed the group chat name to “yams stop being perfect challenge : failed” _

**noya the bone stealer** : ok but bro? i’d platonically date u 

**noya the bone** **stealer** : actually i'd just date u

**suga rush** : hands off hes mine 

**noya the bone stealer** : im challenging you to a battle for the right to be by this man’s side for the rest of his life 

**suga rush** : dennys, 6 am, swords at dawn

**suga rush** : be prepared bitch, my weapon of choice is flamethrower

**noya the bone stealer** : my weapon of choice is frozen sticks of butter stuffed into a sock, bitch, fucking GET READY

**bald baddie** : lmao yams gonna wake up to find he caused ww3 just cause hes perfect bf material 

**suga rush** : i taught him well 

**noya the bone stealer** : u taught him JACK SHIT BITCH 

**noya the bone stealer** : i taught him how to pick locks <3

**noya the bone stealer** : he said not to pick locks or break into peoples places but he wanted to be punk! the fuck is a punk person who can’t pick locks?

**suga rush** : i think you have fundamentally misinterpreted what makes someone punk

**noya the bone stealer** : i think you have fundamentally misinterpreted what my nickname in this groupchat means im going to do to you 

**suga rush** : bitch you can TRY, my iconic ass bones got MILK

**suga rush** : have fun trying to steal my bones with ur brittle ass ones, bitchass “lack toes and taller ants’ ass mf 

_ bald baddie changed the group chat title to: "my iconic ass bones got MILK" _

**bald baddie** : OOOOOO THEY BRINGIN OUT THE LACTOSE TOLERANCE

**suga rush** : anyways back to loving one (1) yamaguchi tadashi

**suga rush** : hes gonna pull up to that old ass bakery and knock ALL THEM BITCHES ON THEIR ASSES when he shows up lookin FINE AS HELL

**Noya the bone stealer** : A LITERAL ICON YOUR HONOR, WE LOVE A CONFIDENT KING

**bald baddie** : not @ yams pulling up 2 yrs ago like “hi guys im hella anxious and a little fucked up but im the backbone of this entire friend group now”

**bald baddie** : yams’s christmas present to his ex bestie gonna be jealousy

**noya the bone stealer** : LMAOOOOOOONFDJNFJL HE GONNA SHOW UP LOOKING LIKE A LIL CUTIE AND THEN ON DAY 2 PULL UP LOOKING LIKE A FUCKING GOLDEN CORRAL

**suga rush** : literally nobody: 

  
  
**suga rush** : yams: hi ur all in love with me now

The wall of praise runs for hours, and only stops around seven when Daichi begs them to either stop talking or make some sort of separate grouchat. Tadashi thought about sending a huge paragraph thanking them, but reconsidered. Lot’s of times, when they'd “gas up” each other, they’d send selfies blowing kisses at the camera as a thank-you. Tadashi’s yet to have tried it, but he thinks that when he’s gotten out of bed and ready to go, he’d blow a kiss at the camera- he’d thank his friends using the confidence he’d gotten from them.

**yamacutie** : thank yall sm for the praise that was literally so much omg 

_ yamacutie sent one (1) attachment to the group chat. PNG title : thanks!! _

**suga rush** : omg 

**noya the bone stealer** : omg 

**bald baddie** : omg

It takes all of four seconds for Tadashi to hear crashing, before Suga is bursting in his room and assaulting him with a very tight hug, and they both careen into Tadashi’s bed.

“BIIIIIITCH YOU’RE SO CUTE! AND SO SWEET! THE FUCK?!” Suga is crying a little bit, and kissing Tadashi’s forehead before they’re suddenly up and pulling Tadashi’s arms until they’re standing upright again, and they give him a once-over.

“Suga, why are you-”

“Shut the fuck up you look so  _ handsome _ , I'm so  _ proud of you _ right now, God you have the same haircut and clothes and shit as when we met but you’re already so  _ different _ !”

“I couldn’t get this far without you!”

“BITCH!”

After a lot of tears and smiles, a lot of chests aching and smiling too hard, Suga sends Tadashi on his way.

  
  


\-----

  
  


The ride back home feels painful, but not the way it was the first time he left. Before, he had wrenched himself from that world and boarded the train covered in wounds- bleeding like silver, losing so  _ much _ of himself that he didn’t even know who it was that he had lost, who he was in the first place. Now, Tadashi feels it ache like phantom pains in his chest, like the part of him he lost was still hurting somewhere- was still weak, still ashamed, still  _ alive _ . Each step onto the train, each second as he waited for it to eventually lurch forward and take him home, felt like another foot of snow tumbling from the vents above him. 

He was drowning in snow, in skeletons - drowning in cold, cold,  _ cold _ , in chilly parks, in dark benches, in  _ patience _ \- by the time the train started moving.

He spent the first day with his parents- he missed them, and they missed him. They knew about the change, the growth he’d gone through, and they supported him, even from so far away. It was good to be home, even if it was also terrible to be there. His parents told Tadashi that Kei still worked at the bakery, and hadn't been talking to them since he left. They talked a lot about Kei, and what had changed and hadn't changed about the bakery- probably thinking that Tadashi would be constantly thinking about Kei, the way he used to. They never knew what had happened, hardly even known Tadashi was _mad_ at Kei. So naturally, they spoke about him like he was family. It felt like just as he’d forgotten how  _ close _ Kei was, he somehow wriggled his way into their conversation. Instead of just a block away, he was sitting at the dinnertable right next to him, whispering those same snarky comments in his ear and that sarcastic fucking  _ laugh _ .

After dinner, Tadashi walked up to his old room and unlocked his phone- he needed to call Suga, and fast.

“ _ Hey, Yams! How’s it going over there?” _

“God, Suga, this is so  _ hard _ .”

“ _ Did you see Tsukki and have to do that movie trope thing where you do a bunch of wild ass shit so you don't get seen _ ?”

“No- It’s just.. My parents, they love Kei so much! They kept updating me on his life, or finding some way to bring him up.”

“ _ Don’t they know about the night before you left? _ ”

“I couldn’t bring myself to fuck with their perception of Kei like that.”

“ _ No, but you shouldn’t let them believe he’s a fucking angel, either! _ ”

“Well we don't know what he’s like now! And even if he hasn’t changed, what if me coming back changes him?”

“ _ And if it doesn't _ ?”

“If he doesn’t change, then I’ll tell them. Then- then I’ll leave. And I won’t come back - I won’t come back to  _ him _ ever again.”

  
  


\-----

  
  


Tadashi honestly expected Marumi to greet him before Kei when he visited the bakery for the first time in two years. She greeted him with a warm hug, and smelled like that familiar bread and brown sugar smell that the Tsukishima family all smelled like. Akiteru was there too, putting on an apron to most likely help out, which Tadashi remembers he would always do when he visited for the holidays. It was a loud greeting, warm and swaddled him in smiles and sweetness.

Then there’s Kei himself. Tall, tall, tall. It’s always been the first thing Tadashi thinks of when he sees Kei, second only to the smell of bread baking and brown sugar.

“Hello, Kei.”

“Still think plaid scarves suit you?” 

Tadashi can’t help but laugh. Always quick with comebacks- something Tadashi loved about Kei. Sometimes, sure, Kei would take it too far and say some sort of lie, a lie like “as if I missed you”, but Tadashi always knew what it meant. Always knew what Kei was thinking- even when Kei himself didn’t know it. He didn’t mind having known Kei inside and out- it was more the fact that he  _ knew _ him, every good thing and every bad thing that canceled out, but doesn’t know how the good and bad traits add up now. All he knows is what Kei says, and what it means. All he has is their unspoken language. 

“Missed you too, Kei.” 

Unlike the night before Tadashi left, he was going to make the first move, this time. And he's going to have the last laugh. He's changed now, and he's not going back to how things were. He knew Kei inside and out, and Kei definitely didn't know Tadashi the way he used to. He's different, and he's not going to surrender- not going to sit out in parks for hours, not going to lose at rock paper scissors, not going to let Kei take the lead in everything they do. Whatever battle Kei kept acting like they were fighting, Tadashi was going to _win_.

_ Okay, Kei. Game _ _on._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaa tysm for reading!! we're all caught up on what tadashi did in college, and who his new friends are!!
> 
> stg they are the UNDERRATED SQUAD i swear suga noya yamaguchi and tanaka would be such iconic besties 
> 
> comment ur fav scene from tadashi's life in college!! mine is them all going into the cat cafe and tadashi being cute as shit (it made me cry to write bc i was so devastated imagining the scene)
> 
> anyways thanks again for reading!! im tastefully-illiterate on tumblr and @senkusIut on twitter (with an i, not an L)


	4. all i wanted (was you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tadashi's done waiting. Waiting for himself, waiting for Kei, waiting for _anyone _.__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA SURPRISE BITCHES THE SECOND SURPRISE OF CH3 WAS CH4!! double update this week, which means the last chapter (which is finished) comes out on Christmas Eve!!! this chapter is absolutely one of my favorites, and i really hope you all like it, since its an 8.8k monster 
> 
> once again the playlist for this fic is here!
> 
> enjoy <3 <3 theres even surprises inside this chap

As per Tanaka’s advice Tadashi is persistent, confident and flirty. Noya and Suga also fully endorsed this advice, but asked that he didn’t take the persistence or flirting as far as Tanaka would. They also advised “ _ Dude you’re literally so confident when you’re wearing your punk shit. Wear that! Be confident!”  _ but Tadashi decided to hold off for a little while before surprising Kei with a sudden emergence of  _ black! Spiky! Makeup! Chains! _ He wanted to let Kei know he was different first, tell him before he shows him.

That doesn’t mean he isn’t nervous literally  _ every  _ time he walked into the bakery, every time he saw Kei and his swish of strawberry blonde hair- every time Kei raised his eyebrow like a little shit, every time he gave a quick retort, a sarcastic laugh- it sent chills up Tadashi’s spine, like Kei himself was running his fingers along Tadashi’s back, daring him to slip up, let his confidence sway- let Kei win.

Tadashi wasn’t going to surrender to him this time around.

He doesn’t initially mean to yell at Kei, when he invites him over. Who does that? Invites someone over, starts screaming, then just eats bread and jam and watches Christmas movies. It was illogical- the kind of strange rhythm he recognizes with Kei, one that over the last two years he’s learned to fear, to avoid. He won’t be doing that again.

After the first week, in the morning after he spent the night at Kei’s house, Tadashi called Suga again. They mostly texted, but he needed to hear their voice again- needed something, someone, who was familiar without feeling  _ too _ familiar.

“ _ Yams you know I love you like so much, dude, but what the fuck are you calling me so early for?” _

“I’m not a morning person either, you know that. I just- I think I fucked up, Suga.” They’re quiet for a moment before replying.

“ _ Well? Start talkin, baby. I’m not goin’ back to sleep now. What’s the tea?” _

“Why must you unironically use the word ‘tea’ like that?”

“ _ I’m a classy bitch!” _

“Okay, well. I just- I spent the night with Kei.”

“ _ Oh _ ?”

“Like- I. We didn’t do anything, we just ate takeout food and talked and started watching a show, but- but around halfway through, Kei started acting kinda like- kinda shifty. Avoiding physical contact and shit. And I noticed, but I didn’t say anything- I always used to fucking  _ do  _ that, and it made me scared for a second that I was gonna regress to- well. You know. Then I fell asleep and  _ shit _ , Suga- I just. I panicked. It felt too familiar, you know? I just- I don’t think I was ready for that. It felt- it felt different, but also felt like a memory? I like- I was happy and content but like. I was.. I was  _ intimidated _ by it.”

“ _So what I'm hearing is..._ _ Gay _ .”

“Suga!”

“ _ What? I’m not wrong! Also like. You should probably figure that out. Sounds like someone’s~ got a bit of a crush on his hands!” _

“I mean I was lowkey in love with him for like twelve years so… shocker, right?”

“ _ Bro I’m floored by this news, this was totally not predictable at all _ ?” Tadashi chuckled at that.

“In all seriousness though.. I can’t tell what this is. I don’t know if it's my feelings or the _memory_ of my feelings. Maybe-maybe it’s both! It’s all jumbled up now. Maybe coming back was a mistake-”

“ _ Don’t you dare regret this now, Yams! Don’t waste your time on maybes! You know already that Kei’s not the same, you just don’t know if it's a good change or not. You owe it to him, and you owe it to yourself even more to get this sort of closure! You never got closure because he fucking left before you could, and two years later you damn well deserve to get it now!” _

“..You’re- you’re right. Suga- thanks.”

“ _ Ah, you know me. Wake up at seven in the morning even though school’s out, give life changing advice to my best friend as my boyfriend complains about me cussing so loudly while he's a sleep, commit homicide, be a bad bitch, commit serial arson, make my eyeliner wings sharp as fuck, the usual.” _

_ “ _ Woah woah woah what did you say?”

“ _ I said be a bad bitch.” _

“.. You know what. I’m not- I’m not gonna question it. I’m just- bye. Tell Daichi I said good morning, and that I’m sorry for calling so early.”

“ _ Don’t worry about it, I’ll just snuggle him till he forgets it. Go get your mans, Yams.” _

“Thanks, Suga.” 

“ _ Anythin’, bud. And also, it’s totally unrelated but you know those photos we took last week of you baking at like midnight? It blew the fuck up on Instagram! Bitch! People think you’re hot as fuck! And cute as hell! Even if shit hits the fan with Mr. Childhood Best Friend here, there’ll be hordes of people falling apart to get a piece of-” _

“Ok ok okay! I get it! And... I honestly didn’t expect that. It really blew up?”

“ _ Yes, bitch! You’re a fuckin’ icon!” _

“Did you tag me in the post?”

“ _ With what fucking IG? Yours is private! I still tagged you because I didn’t know it was gonna blow the fuck up, but have you not noticed the sheer horde of follower requests?” _

“My notifs may or may not be.. Kinda muted.”

“ _ Bitch! I- I’m not even. I’m. Goodbye. Good luck with Tsukki.” _

“Thanks again, Suga. I’ll turn on my notifs next time I’m on Instagram.”

“ _ You fuckin’ better! _

Tadashi hangs up his phone and walks down the street from Kei’s house. He remembers every single crack in the sidewalks- he keeps it tucked away in his mind. He’d long forgotten them, but with each step he takes a new one pops up into mind until he’s remembered everything he once couldn’t forget.

  
  


\-----

  
  


Tadashi had only ever seen Kei cry once, when he'd lost his grandparents, but he thinks that Kei cries like gold. His tears fall heavy, clunky like gold, worth so much more than anyone else's. They were rare, almost like gifts- invaluable jewelry cut with trust- and glittered like it, too. Tadashi wants to see it again, see every tear cut and shaped like loops, rings, smooth and polished, ready to adorn skin like chains of purity. He watched Kei cry like he was watching Kei's grief itself, like his pain was painting golden yellows against moonlight.

He wants to wear Kei's tears like jewels, and call himself the richest man alive.

The night they both graduated high school, Tadashi could never forget the way Kei’s eyes looked. The gold running down his face, smeared on his cheeks; it was hot and thick, bright and glittery like liquid stardust. It was just the frosting to Kei- or at least that's what he’d probably tell himself, and what he’d tell Tadashi. When they both sat back on the floor of the bakery, it felt like it was theirs, like all in front of them was at arm's length. With all the frosting wiped off their faces and the first tentative wafts of pastries baking starting to float in the air like sunlight, like dust, all Tadashi saw on Kei’s face was gold, gold, gold.

“...Tadashi.” Kei’s voice, like moonshine and silk fabric, holds every piece of Tadashi at attention, immediately. He wasn’t the first to initiate conversation often- not with such a serious tone, at least. 

“Yeah?”

“We’re gonna get in so much trouble tomorrow.”

“I think it already  _ is _ tomorrow.” Tadashi grins.

“Same difference. Even if we cleaned everything up, we used a shitload of flour. We’re gonna get caught... Heh. All this for a couple of shitty pastries. Is that danish you got in there a danish or is it gonna come out like some sort of poundcake?” Tadashi’s heart stutters at the way Kei smiles just a bit at his own comment, probably without realizing.

“Sorry, Kei. But I bet.. Your éclair is gonna look real flat. You ought to knead the dough more.”

Kei chuckled, and it sounded like hands cupping his cheeks, warmth brushing against Tadashi’s ear, like his laughter could caress Tadashi's face.

“We’re in deep shit now, huh?”

“Well.. We’re adults. I think that from now on we’ll always be in deep shit.”

“You tryna get all existential and deep on me?”

“I’m trying to say we’re independent now. So we’ll just have to take responsibility for whatever your mom finds when she opens up shop tomorrow.”

“Buzzkill.”

“Sorry.” There he is again, apologizing, surrendering. He knows Kei doesn’t mean it, doesn’t mean any harm, but it felt more reflexive than anything at this point.

“..Hey, Tadashi?”

“Hmm?”

“You have frosting on your eyebrow.”

Tadashi laughed, and wiped off both of his eyebrows with his fingers.

“Hey, Kei?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you think.. We’ll grow apart?”

“Depends on how we grow.”

_ Or if we grow at all _ . The both of them leave the words unsaid, but it drips down, down, down, seeping from the tiles of the roof and the crevices in the counters like caramel, a burnt sweetness, a poisonous addiction. It’s sticky, and if they linger too long in the sugar they’ll drown in themselves- drown in smiles like gold that’re too familiar, drown in everything they know about each other, drown in everything that refuses to change. That sticky caramel bleeds like music through Tadashi’s eyes,  _ fuck _ , he doesn’t like crying- Kei doesn’t like it when he cries, either.

“..Kei?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t know if I want us to change.”

“Tch. Dumbass. You’re gonna, whether you like it or not.”

“..Then come with me.”

Kei half-scoffs, half chuckles.

“You’d never leave my side anyways.”

“..No. I wouldn’t.”

If Kei cries like gold, then maybe, just  _ maybe _ , Tadashi could cry like silver. Kei would cry like sunlight and heat and a beacon of warmth that Tadashi would always be beside, but never touch. He’d get burned, he'd melt and fall apart if he touched those golden tears, like liquid stardust and wet sunlight. But Tadashi- he could be silver. He could cry tears like moonlight and they’d fall like metal, hot and scorching their way down his cheeks, burning him, scarring him- he’d cry like lava, and that’s why Kei could never touch his tears. That, and because Tadashi would cry like the moon and the moon could always follow the daylight to stay by the sun, but once the sun sets, it doesn’t come back to follow the moon. Kei’s tears may be liquid sunshine, caramel, honey, out of reach from Tadashi because he wasn't  _ worthy _ , but Tadashi’s tears would be out of reach because he’s beneath Kei. He's the one not worthy to wipe his tears, he’s the one not worthy of Kei’s comfort.

Tadashi wears his own tears like scars, and basks in the sunlight to forget how ugly it makes him.

  
  


\-----

  
  


Tadashi spent a long time thinking about Kei that morning, after falling asleep at his house. He bled into his mind like burnt sugar, sickly sweet caramel like a warm weighted blanket- he knew it was weighing him down, making his walk back to his house that much longer, but his mind was elsewhere. 

He was thinking a lot about what Kei looked like when he was sleeping. He’s lanky, so their feet ended up tangled on the couch, but his hair splayed against his head like it was caressing him, like a strawberry blond crown. It was really early in the morning when Tadashi woke up, and the dawn light was just barely breathing gently into the horizon. It was the start of the day, but it felt a lot like dusk- like the light just barely pouring into the room like burnt sugar was  _ moonlight _ , it was silvers and golds and mixing like a painting across Kei’s face- it painted his face with healing, with change.

Tadashi knew how he felt by the time he got home.

  
  


\-----

“Noya, why the  _ hell  _ are you in my house? How the fuck did you  _ find  _ me?”

“Egg.”

Nishinoya showed up with a bunch of suitcases around noon. They had just knocked on the door, kicked it open with the standard “ _what the hap is fuckening, my dudes?!”_ and walked in like they owned the place.

“You’re lucky my parents are working. I- what- How?? I need to call my parents and tell them you’re here- I- do you even have a place to stay?”

“I do now. I’m sure I’ll fit on your couch.”

“..I can’t believe you’re doing this. Why the hell did you come here?”

“Suga said you were gay panicking this morning.”

“They  _ told you _ to come here?”

“No, they just told me you were gay as fuck.”

“... Fuck you, Noya.”

“Love you too.”

Tadashi steps aside for Noya to walk inside with their bags.

“Is that a new purse?”

“Saw it in a shop on the way here. Suga’s gonna be  _ so  _ jealous.”

“They probably would just hit you and steal it.”

“Yeah, but they’d give it back. Probably. Oh, and hey.. Is this actually okay, though? Or should I go back?”

“No, it's fine! I’ll just- I’ll call my parents. I’ve told them about you before, they’re probably dying to meet you.”

“Sweet!”

Tadashi’s parents were a bit shocked (as was he), but they didn't mind so long as Noya didn’t burn down the house. Tadashi thanked them profusely, and apologized in advance, before Nishinoya introduced themselves via telephone-death-threat.

“...So.” Noya grins at Tadashi, sitting at their kitchen island while Tadashi looks through the fridge to get something for Noya to eat. Noya’s looking around at all the Christmas decorations that’re all over the house- which were already up by the time Tadashi himself had arrived. “Where’s mister hottie? Out repressing his emotions? Or did you already-”

“He’s  _ busy _ , Noya.”

“Gay.”

“You call everything gay.”

“And when have I ever been wrong?”

“I dunno, maybe that time when you said the store clerk was totally checking you out, then he roasted the everloving  _ shit  _ out of you when you tried to flirt, or maybe that time you were drunk at that restaurant and that waiter dude-”

“I get it, I get it, let the slander end there.”

“Fine. But for real, enough about my life. How’s that big fat bisexual crush on Asahi going?”

“Slow. I’m not- I’m not gonna ask him out. Not like.. Flirting like that. I don’t want this to be like the others. He’s our  _ friend _ . I’m not risking fucking it up. M'gonna wait till I know for sure he likes me back.”

“..That’s smart. You’re gonna be careful for once in your life, and I’m gonna act without thinking and see where it takes me. Did we switch bodies or something?”

“No, I think its just the power of gay pining.”

“.. I hate how much sense that makes.”

“And I hate how single you still are. You've been here what, a week and a half? Christmas is in like four days! Go get your mans, Yams!”

“Stop stealing Suga’s phrases.”

“Stop stealing my chokers and maybe I’ll consider it.”

“Maybe if you told me  _ where you bought them _ -”

“A magician never reveals their secrets.”

“You’re not a magician though? Noya?”

“Well maybe being a magician  _ is _ my secret.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works.”

“It does now.”

“...Ok. You know what- just. I’m changing the subject. There’s nothing much to eat here. Do you want to go see the bakery I used to work at?”

“Oh my God  _ bet! _ This is so gay of us.”

“Both of us like different men.”

“So you admit you like him.”

“...Fuck it. Yeah, guess I do. Wasn’t sure until this morning, but yeah. I like him again.”

“Gay.”

“Fuck off.”

“Only for you.” Noya blows him an air kiss, and Tadashi laughs as he walks to the doorway to get his coat.

“The bakery smells really nice. I think you’d like their apple fritters, and their cakes. Oh, and they’ve got a bunch of strawberry stuff too!”

“Fucking bet.”

  
  


\-----

  
  


Tadashi and Noya walk to the bakery instead of taking Noya’s car. It’s a nice afternoon, cold with clouds fingerpainted across the sky. They cry  _ snow! Snow! _ In tiny voices, ones that Tadashi guesses will grow and grow until inevitably, it does snow. About halfway through, Noya stops, extends their arm, and they both lock arms. Tadashi’s dressed in punk again today, with long thick leggings and a short plaid black and pink skirt and more clunky boots and chains. It’s not exactly the warmest outfit, but the leggings both make him look slim and keep him from getting too cold. Nishinoya starts swinging their legs, kicking up dramatically with each step, and Tadashi follows suit, laughing and kicking up as they walk down the street. They probably look like teenagers, probably look very inebriated, but for once Tadashi couldn't give less of a shit about what he looked like.

They stop walking like idiots when Tadashi can see the bakery in front of him, and points it out to Noya, who claims it looks like “a fucking thumb.”

“How does it look like a thumb?”   
  


“Sexy.”

“I regret asking.”

It felt strange but familiar to walk into the bakery with Noya. Felt familiar to walk in with someone, to be beside someone as he walks in, but isn’t used to being the one leading the way.

“Dude! This place gives me war flashbacks to a time I wasn’t even born in.”

Tadashi had never thought to look at the bakery, at what it  _ looked _ like. It was always just home, home,  _ home  _ for him. He was so used to walking inside and knowing everything inside out to even think about what it was that he  _ knew _ . The counter with the cashiers was always stacked with fresh pastries, cupcakes, breads and cakes on display. There were mini counters beside the window that held their advertisement posters, and different pastry dish plates. On one side of the walls, there were family photos from the Tsukishima generation going back decades, including baby photos. There were ones of Marumi as a young teenager, maybe a junior high schooler, with short hair holding a soccer trophy bigger than her forearm that she was balancing at her waist. There was one of Kei and Tadashi at 10 years old mixing ingredients together. He saw one of Akiteru kneading dough with his first girlfriend, a girl who used to work at the bakery. There was also one of Akiteru and his first boyfriend on the night of their senior prom. Closer to the bottom left of the wall, Tadashi saw himself and Kei. They were asleep on the floor of the bakery, with smears of frosting on their cheeks and flour all over their chests, as they slept propped up against the wall of the lower cabinets. He recognized that night, and even though it was framed in wood, it looked to Tadashi like it was held onto the wall with gold, silver, and burnt sugar. He saw himself in a lot of the photos, saw a lot of his family mixed into the life painted up on the wall. 

The entire Tsukishima legacy was on one wall, and somehow Tadashi had made his way into it.

There was another wall appreciating employees and regulars who’d passed on- it was the wall opposite of the Tsukishima family wall, facing the people whose lives they’d impacted simply through their patronage. In the years he’d left, he saw Mrs. Yoshida and Mr. and Mrs. Abe on the wall- regulars he’d known, back when he worked there. He hadn’t even known they’d passed away. There were a lot of people on the wall whose lives had kept the Tsukishima bakery alive all these years, a wall full of life facing the wall of lives that they supported.

“Yo, did you know any of these people on these walls, dude?” Noya asks, nudging Tadashi as he stares at the wall with Mrs. Yoshida and Mrs. and Mr. Abe. He remembers their orders still- Mrs. Yoshida was a big fan of their strawberry sweets and liked to switch it up every week, but her order should always start with strawberry. Mr. and Mrs. Abe always came every Tuesday and Friday to buy cupcakes for their grandchildren. He missed them dearly, even if all he knew were names and orders- they were so familiar in their mundanity, so deeply integrated into the background of his old life, and it hurt to realize that he wouldn’t ever get to see them again.

“Yeah. I did.”

“Did?”

“This is- this is for the regulars. The ones who were-who care about the bakery. They’re the reason why it’s still standing.”

Noya seemed to catch on. They probably knew that a majority of the people there dead now- some of them, encased in images where they’re posing with some of the Tsukishima family outside of the bakery, smiling, some of them in a selfie-pose (including Mr. and Mrs. Abe, with Marumi taking the photo while they were sitting down at the place where they’d always sit), and all framed in a different frame. There were notes in the insides of the frames, letters, thank-yous, that the Tsukishima family wrote to honor those people. Sometimes their relatives started picking up the tradition of attending the bakery, sometimes they left notes to put inside of their family’s frames on the photos as well. One wall was building, growing as the bakery stayed the same, an anchor. The other was healing, providing closure and a painful sort of comfort that warms his chest while it bleeds. The wall facing parallel to the Tsukishima family tree was for everyone to find healing, to grow with. Tadashi wonders which wall he'll be on when he dies, if he's ever put up on the wall.

“It’s beautiful in here. Comforting like a library, except I can fucking eat... Don't give me that look, Yams!" I swear to God, I bring a toaster into the library  _ one time _ -”

“It was a fucking  _ toaster  _ of  _ course  _ you were gonna get kicked out, and you got off topic!”

“..Fine. But for real, it’s a nice place. Smells amazing too.”

“I spent every day of my childhood since I was 8 here.”

“Stop flexing about your healthy childhood environment. I will clip your toenails.”

“What the fuck is up with you and your weird threats?”

“Yes.”

“...Sometimes I wonder why we’re friends.”

“Sometimes I wonder how monkeys got thumbs.”

“...Let’s just fucking order.  _ Please _ .”

“Ok, bet. What should I order? Do you think they sell gli-”

“Don't you  _ dare _ say ‘glizzy’. Suga talked to you about this!”

“Rude! Fine!” Noya pouted. “I’m paying. Strawberry shortcake for me.”

“That’s Kei’s favorite.”

“Not anymore, it isn't! It’s  _ mine _ now!” They grinned. They’d been in line as they looked around and talked, but now there’s a free cashier ready for the next customer- which would be them. Tadashi walks up and immediately recognizes her.

“Hey, Yachi!”

“He- hey, Yamaguchi! How’s it going?” Yachi greeted him with that nervous smile and shy half-wave that he recognized very well. They’d been working together for about a year when he’d left, and he’s glad to see she’s still working there, and probably going to school now, too.

“Doin' great! This is my friend, Noya, they’re visiting from Iwate prefecture.”

“Hey! I’m Nishinoya Yuu, my pronouns are they/them, and if you disrespect my pronouns I’ll disrespect your bones-”

“You don’t have to threaten people  _ every time _ you meet a new person!” Tadashi interrupts them.

“But it's cool! And scary!” They pouted.

“..Anyways. Sorry about that, Yachi. They’re just like that, I swear they won’t actually take your bones.”

“Bold of you to assume I wouldn’t just break them and-”

“A slice of cheesecake and strawberry shortcake, please.”

“Do you also sell gli-”

“Nishinoya shut the _fuck up_ before I call Daichi to drive all the way over here. You know he's not gonna like that shit, he's not your dad.”

Yachi stared for a moment, clearly uncomfortable and vaguely scared of what she just witnessed, but when she collects her thoughts she nods and rings them up while Tadashi asks Nishinoya to  _ please  _ stop threatening people, they’re a fully grown adult. It was endearing when they instigated violence and rioting amongst their friends, but every single time they threatened to steal someone’s bones or pickle their toes they were always told they were being “respectfully escorted off the premises, please do not come back.. Or at least don’t bring them with you”. 

It would often end in fighting and getting banned if the person asking them to leave misgendered Nishinoya, even after they said what their preferred pronouns are, but nobody ever minded much getting banned from places like that. A place that didn’t respect Nishinoya’s identity was a place that didn’t deserve their patronage in the first place.

They sit inside the bakery, in one of Tadashi’s favorite corners to eat at. It was propped up against the wall, with a corner table and cushions- the seating there ran all along the wall, with a small pause in the lining of furniture as the restroom. It was always at its most gorgeous at dusk- the sunlight filtered inside the building in chunks, in shafts that drip, drip, drip like honey over the tables. It covered the corners, it lined the walls, it painted the skin of everyone inside the bakery with a yellow glow, a golden hum that made everything feel warm. It breathed stardust and brown sugar into the air, set everything alight with a sweet warmth.

“..You really love this place, huh?” Nishinoya raised an eyebrow at Tadashi, and he realized he was probably looking all over the place, absorbing the bakery like he hasn’t been going there almost daily for a week and a half, now.

“Yeah. I really do.”

“Gay.”

“How is it  _ gay _ to love a bakery?”

“Gay.” 

“.. You know what? I’m not- I don’t even care anymore.”

“Gay.”

“You- no.” Tadashi sighs, and Nishinoya starts cackling like the fucking gremlin they are.

“I can't stand you.” Tadashi laughs, and Nishinoya gives him a shit eating grin.

_ Are they about to-? _

“Don’t you fucking  _ dare-” _

“Gay!’

  
  


\-----

  
  


Tadashi invites Kei over the next day. Nishinoya decided to stay for another two days, until December 23rd, which means they would be meeting each other.  _ Today _ . Tadashi was outside (in a soft beige dress Suga bought him, clearly preparing to freeze his ass off in the cold) getting the mail, and Nishinoya was walking with him to the front yard “because I’m a bad bitch like that”. 

“Okay, can you  _ please _ not threaten him? He’d enable you, and then you two would have to fistfight in the front yard, and you’d probably beat his ass because you’re like a fucking demon on cocaine even though he’s built like a skyscaper, and then my parents are gonna come home and see Kei’s dead body and disown me, and then my life will be ruined because I’m too sad to get a job from losing my friend and getting disowned, and-”

“Ok, ok, ok! I won’t make an attempt on your boyfriend’s life! I'm flattered you think I'd win against a tall person.”

“Like I said, you're a fucking demon on cocaine. And he’s not my-”

“Yet.”   
  


“We don’t know that”

“We absolutely-the-fuck-do! I bet after I leave you two’ll be-”

“LALALALALALALALALALALA I can’t hear anything!” Tadashi covers his ears as he speaks, before taking them away to grab the mail from inside the mailbox.

“Bitch! I’m calling Suga, I can't deal with your bullshit alone.”   


“You’re one to talk, Nishinoya ‘I threaten sweet young girls I don't know unprompted’ Yuu-”

“That was one time-”

“That was multiple times! That one time we snuck into Costco -which was  _ your fault by the way _ \- , and that one library clerk who asked you to not make fucking  _ toast _ in a library-”

“She wasn’t blond!”

“Being blond is irrelevant! You threaten everyone! I’ve lost track of how many places you’ve gotten us kicked out from!”

“....Thirty-two. Places.. “

“And how many places have you gotten kicked out of in total, with or without me?”

“....”

“Do you even fucking know?”   
  


“.... I can guarantee it exceeds triple digits.”

“I regret befriending you.”

“And I regret  _ letting  _ you befriend me. Now look at you. You paint your fucking nails  _ without me _ , like a  _ traitor- _ ”   
  


“ _ That's _ the reason why we’re bad friends?”

“What fucking friend paints their nails without their bestie?”

“Maybe one who didn’t even know you were gonna fucking visit!”

“Your parents are okay with it!”

“Only because you’re like the third friend I’ve ever made in my life!”

“That's lowkey sad.” 

“Shut up.”

“You love me.”

“Doesn’t mean I don’t hate you too.”

“Oh my God, the local sweetheart Yamaguchi hates me. I need to go jump off a cliff, be right back.”

“What the  _ fuck _ did I just walk into?”

Kei was standing in front of Tadashi and Nishinoya, who were still arguing in front of the mailbox.

“Hi! My name is Nishinoya Yuu, my pronouns are they/them and if you disrespect my pronouns my teeth-”

“Fucking  _ no! _ ” Tadashi grabs Noya by the collar, who cackles with the most fucking  _ irritating _ shit-eating grin, and attempts to hug Tadashi.

“You  _ loooooove _ ~ me Yams!”

“Fuck off, and stop threatening people you don’t know!”

“Uh.” Kei stands there, looking as weirded-out as Tadashi expected him to be.

“Sorry about that, Kei. This is Nishinoya. They’re a fucking gremlin and keep  _ threatening people-” _

“It’s a nice intro! It works every-”

“No it fucking  _ doesn’t- _ ”

“Tch. Irrelevant! Anyways. What’s your name and pronouns, French Fry?”

“French fry?” Kei raises an eyebrow at Nishinoya. 

_ Oh God. It’s barely been two minutes and Noya’s already inciting violence. All of us are going to jail. _

“Y’know. The standard. Tall, bright fucking yellow, and salted to hell and back.”

“Noya!”

“What?! It’s the truth! You’ve told me so much about him! I can’t be wrong!”

“...Let’s just go inside already. This dress is cold as fuck. I think it’s gonna snow today.” Tadashi sighs.

“Didn’t know you befriended anarchists in college, Tadashi.” Kei says as they walk inside.

“You’d be surprised how much shit Yams got up to!” Noya gives Tadashi yet another patented Shit-Eating Grin, and it takes every bit of self control Tadashi has to not grab them by the collar again and boot them out of the house.

“He’s told me some of the stories, but I’m sure he’s holding back on me.” Kei smirks.

“Calling me secretive, Kei?” Tadashi raises an eyebrow at him.

“I’m just saying you’re probably hiding the most embarrassing stories.”

“So you want blackmail on me?”’

“We’ve both had blackmail on each other for fourteen years.”

“Wow, way to make me feel old!”

“You’re wearing a dress in winter, no fully grown adult would do that.”

“You’re wearing clunky earphones against your neck for the aesthetic. No actual human being living in this day and age would do that. Have you been an alien all this time, Kei?”

“You just got called the fuck out, dude.” Noya grins, clearly relishing in the banter, and they all sit on the living room couch.

“..So,” Kei starts, crossing his legs at the ankles. “How did you meet this.. Small angry child?”

“Hey!”

“Don’t worry Noya, he only insults the people he likes.”

“Fuck off, Tadashi.”   


“Love you too.” Tadashi blows a kiss at Kei and winks, and at his initial bewilderment Nishinoya and Tadashi laugh.

“You two are funny as fuck to watch. And  _ gay.” _ Nishinoya nudges Tadashi as they talk.

“ _ Again _ with calling-”

“Hey! This time you can’t say  _ shit _ ! That was the gayest banter I’ve ever seen in my entire goddamn life, and I used to live with Daichi and Suga before they got together!”

“...I can’t even argue against that. Guess we’re gay now, Kei.”

“No  _ shit _ we’re gay, we both unironically wear turtlenecks.” He retorts.

Nishinoya starts cackling again.

“You used to wear  _ turtlenecks _ ?!” They raise an eyebrow at Tadashi.

“Still do! Just- just not in front of you guys. I stopped wearing them as often.”

“You’ve finally accepted how much of a disaster gay you are, huh?”

“Shut up, Kei. You’re still pretending you’re homophobic.”

Nishinoya laughs so hard they fall off the couch and have a coughing fit, which Kei immediately makes fun of them for.

  
  


\-----

  
  


As expected, Kei and Nishinoya pick endless fights with each other, but all in all they got along surprisingly well (not counting the time Nishinoya bit Kei’s arm, which sparked another fight because Kei promptly claimed they gave him rabies). They watched a telenovela together, because Nishinoya asked Kei if he’d ever seen any and when he said no they immediately hijacked the Yamaguchi Netflix and put on  _ Soñadoras _ , an old Mexican telenovela about four women with varying different archetypes. None of the telenovelas or soap operas that Nishinoya (and Suga) ever puts on are actually funny -most likely because they’re old and Tadashi’s sense of humor was entirely warped by Nishinoya’s broken humor- but they liked to make fun of the dumb decisions the characters make, and like to crack jokes at every possible moment. 

Kei’s sarcastic wit had both Tadashi and Nishinoya in tears from laughing before they’d even finished the first episode, and Nishinoya and Kei about to fistfight by the end of the second one.

“Hey, Tsukki, you’re not half bad for a tall blond with emotion issues.”

“Fuck off, honey badger.”

“What the  _ fuck  _ is a honey badger?” Noya sits up from their seat on the couch opposite to Kei.

“Like a racoon but more rabid, shorter, and fucking diseased.”

“Rude, Kei! You forgot that honey badgers are badass!” Tadashi pouts at Kei as he speaks.

“Fucking  _ how _ are honey badgers badass?” Kei raises an eyebrow.

“They eat snakes, and they can withstand snake poison!”

“Ohhhh~ so Kei’s trying to say he’s a snake and I’m a honey badger, because no matter how hard he tries, I won’t fucking die.” Noya gives a classic shit-eating “ _I won”_ grin.

“Yea pretty-”

“Kei shut up.”

“Fuck off, Tadashi.”

“You’d miss me too much if I did.”

Kei scoffs, grins, and keeps watching the telenovela. It’s not a no, and that’s enough for Tadashi.

\-----

“ _ So what I’m hearing is.. Nishinoya’s sabotaging you from getting some of that- _ ”

“No the fuck I’m not! I’m like, the best fucking wingperson!”

“ _ No, Tanaka is because he’s so bad at flirting he just becomes the default superior wingman. Walk in, apologize for your stupid bitchass buddy, offer the person to pay for their dry cleaning if Tanaka’s spilled a drink on them, like the clumsy fucker he is _ .”

“Suga, you wound me!”

“Yes, Suga, wound them!”

“Fuck off, Yams!”

“Love you too, Noya.”

“ _ Gay. _ ”

“Suga, not you too with calling everything-”

Nishinoya’s victorious cackling interrupts him, and Tadashi sighs. They’re face-timing Suga the afternoon Nishinoya’s decided to head out, and it hasn’t even been more than fifteen minutes since Tadashi’s scored himself a  _ genuine _ date via text with Kei, without any screaming or shouting or falling asleep and accidentally spending the night. It's Christmas Eve, so Nishinoya's going to go back home, and Tadashi is going to spend the rest of the day fretting over the upcoming date. Nishinoya called their Christmas Eve date gay as shit, and Tadashi yet again couldn't deny it.

“Aight, imma head out.”

“Stop referencing dead memes, Nishinoya!”

“ _ Oop, he do be pullin’ out the full last names though.” _

“I can’t fucking stand you two.”

“Love you too, Yams.”

“ _ Love you too, Yams.”  _ Tadashi hates the fact that they somehow said it in perfect unison.

“Kindly get the fuck out of my house. Suga, I’m straight up just hanging up on you.”

“ _ Gay.”  _

“Suga, I swear to  _ fucking God- _ ”

Suga hangs up, and Nishinoya laughs so hard they start crying (again). Tadashi shooes them out to the front of the house like a fucking rat, giggling and all. 

“Okay for real, I’m gonna miss you, Noya.”

“I’ll be back to harass you after New Years! And dude, I’m so proud of you. You changed a bunch since we first met, and Kei’s clearly fucking whipped. Whether or not you two get together or not, you’re your own person, and one of my best friends.”

“Aww, thank you so much Noya. I’m proud of you too, you didn’t get us kicked out of a single store!”

Nishinoya did the fucking Debby Ryan meme where they pretend to push a wisp of hair behind their ear and look up and grin at him in the fucking  _ cringiest _ way possible, they fucking  _ know _ Tadashi can’t stand it.

“Get the fuck out of here, you fucking gremlin.” Tadashi lightly pushes Noya’s shoulder.They both laugh as Noya walks down the driveway with their suitcases and gets inside the car, and instead of waving, they flip each other the bird. Ah, yes, such sweet rituals to have with friends.

Tadashi pulls his phone from the pocket of his pajama shorts, and opens his friend’s group chat.

**_yams stop being perfect challenge : failed_ **

**11:42 AM**

**suga rush** : guys look at this omg a bitch boutta cry

_ suga rush sent one (1) attachment. JPEG title: [screenshot]11:39AM _

**suga rush** : i was on facetime with yams while noya was boutta leave and LOOK AT THEM 

**bald baddie** : BABIES

**suga rush** : the way noya’s chin is resting on yam’s shoulder so they could be on the camera..

**suga rush** : NOBODY TOUCH ME IM DEVASTATED

**yamacutie** : NJDNDJDNJ

**yamacutie** : it was all noya and their baby face 

**bald baddie** : with all due respect my good sir,

**bald baddie** : FUCKING CAP

**suga rush** : OOP 

**suga rush** : HE DO BE CALLIN CAP DOE 

**yamacutie** : ,,,, Ignoring That

**yamacutie** : should i go to the bakery today,,

**suga rush** : hon u just scored a date with tsukki like half an hour ago, TREAT YOURSELF

**bald baddie** : TREAT YOURSELF BITCHHHHH

**yamacutie** : omg bet 

**yamacutie** : when i first got home i started ordering all the pastries kei and i loved to bake the most 

**suga rush** : i didn’t want to cry like this but here we are 

_ bald baddie has sent one (1) attachment. PNG title: FUCKFINGPAIN _

**bald baddie** : YALL ARE SO FUCKIGN CUOTE,,, THATS SOO SWEET BUT SO SAD )*&R*

**yamacutie** : OMG NO TANAKA I DIDN T MEAN TO MAKE YOU CRY I'M SO SORRY

**yamacutie** : :c

**suga rush** : tanaka did you just make yams sad 

**bald baddie** : OH NO 

**bald baddie** : I MADE YAMS SAD 

**bald baddie** : ILL TAKE ANY PUNISHMENT 

**bald baddie** : brb throwing myself out of a window 

**yamacutie** : NO

**suga rush** : this is the price he has to pay for making you sad 

**suga rush** : its the #1 rule of the yamaguchi protection squad 

_ daichi changed the group chat title to  _ **_the yamaguchi protection squad_ ** _   
  
_

**daichi:** please dont throw yourselves out windows. god knows how many times you’re going to get hospitalized just because yams is sad 

**suga rush** : BUT THE CODE SAYS DEFENESTRATION IS THE PUNSIHMENT FOR GIVING YAMS THE BIG SAD

**daichi** : KOUSHI

**suga rush** : fuck u using my first name was a dirty move

**suga rush** : no jumping out windows.. for now 

**yamacutie** : thank fucking god

**asahee-hee** : i regret it every single time i open this groupchat

  
  


\-----

  
  


Kei isn’t working as the cashier at the bakery and neither is Yachi, so Tadashi eats his strawberry shortcake and goes home to mentally prepare for what certainly was going to be the worst date of all time. It wasn’t because he was certain he was going to ruin everything, no, he was sure that it was going to go well. But at the same time, it was Kei and Tadashi. They’d grown up together in such a warped way that they couldn’t do anything together without being disasters. They couldn't do anything without shaping it around their dynamic. But now, they’re both different- Tadashi’s changed a lot, and Kei’s clearly working out his own feelings. It wasn’t a question of whether they’d ruin each other- it was only a matter of  _ how _ . Until they knew how they’d change each other, there would be no telling whether or not the change would be good. 

Tadashi spends his day filling his thoughts with Kei, and as the hours drip away he starts to think that maybe, Kei wasn’t as golden as he used to think he was.

Maybe it was Tadashi who was gold, gold, gold, and all he saw in Kei was a reflection of himself from the silver that painted Kei’s face like diamonds.

Maybe the burning that he thought was scars for so long was sunlight, and neither of them were ugly- just a little misshapen, changed their shapes to fit each other so much that they’d twisted themselves too far, and that’s why they had needed to leave each other and find out what they were originally were supposed to be shaped like. Maybe they could be sunlight at different times of the day- Tadashi could be golden hour, and Kei could be dusk. Tadashi could be pretty, could be gorgeous, could be blinding lights and gold, gold, gold, and Kei could be that dimmer, gentler light. He could be moonshine and mercury, drip, drip, dripping like silver.

Tadashi can see gold in himself now, and sees Kei like moonlight, like a gentle cool glow. He’s soft night skies and dawns that look more like dusk; he’s early mornings adorned with a marigold and strawberry blond crown.

He wonders what Kei’s doing right now. Is he working? Is he laying down in bed, listening to music, like Tadashi is? Is he, glittering silver, thinking about gold, gold, gold?

**_kei <3 <3_ **

**_7:28 PM_ **

**You** : hey

**You** : wyd?

**kei <3 <3** : why are you texting me like a fuckboi

**You** : it’s a normal greeting >:c

**kei <3 <3** : ,,

**kei <3 <3** : anyways why did u message me

**You** : idk

**You** : just thinking 

**kei <3 <3** : about what 

**You** : you

**You:** me, us, i dont know 

**You** : are you in bed rn?

**kei <3 <3** : yeah im sitting down

**You** : lay down and look at your ceiling 

Tadashi doesn’t know what he’s doing. But it feels right . Like he’d still been moving, like the second he got here he’d been traveling, and now he’s finally  _ getting somewhere _ .

**kei <3 <3** : why

**You** : not sure

**You** : trust me?

**kei <3 <3** : ok

**kei <3 <3** : what now

**You** : what song are you listening to 

**kei <3 <3** : how do you know i’m listening to music 

**You** : you can’t live without it, thats how i know

**kei <3 <3** : ,,

**kei <3 <3** : 505 by Arctic Monkeys

**kei <3 <3** : the song just came on rn 

**You** : ok 

**You** : thanks

“Hey Siri, play 505 by Arctic Monkeys.” Tadashi faces up on his bed, and waits for the song to start.

_ I'm going back to 505 _

_ If it's a seven-hour flight or a forty-five-minute drive _

_ In my imagination, you're waiting lying on your side _

_ With your hands between your thighs _

Tadashi turns the music up full blast, laying on the mattress from his old bedroom. He stares up at the roof inside his room, inside the shell of who he used to be before he grew too big to fit in here anymore. 

_ Stop and wait a sec _

_ When you look at me like that, my darling, what did you expect? _

_ I'd probably still adore you with your hands around my neck _

_ Or I did last time I checked _

Tadashi knows how Kei feels. He probably just isn’t sure how to handle it, how to let himself feel anything without feeling like he’s losing. Kei wants to change- he just isn’t sure how. And that’s enough for Tadashi. Enough for him to want him, to want to be by his side as he grows, enough to stick by him and help him figure it all out.

It’s enough for Tadashi to surrender to Kei one last time.

_ Not shy of a spark _

_ The knife twists at the thought that I should fall short of the mark _

_ Frightened by the bite, though it's no harsher than the bark _

_ The middle of adventure, such a perfect place to start _

Tadashi’s phone pings.

**_kei <3 <3_ **

**7:31 PM**

**kei <3 <3** : hey

**You** : hm 

**kei <3 <3** : instead of going to my house tomorrow 

**kei <3 <3** : lets meet at the park 

_ I'm going back to 505 _

_ If it's a seven-hour flight or a forty-five-minute drive _

_ In my imagination, you're waiting lying on your side _

_ With your hands between your thighs _

Tadashi takes a minute or two to reply, but whether or not it’s too long of a wait stopped mattering to both of them a long time ago- they already know what the answer is gonna be.

**_kei <3 <3_ **

**7:32 PM**

**You** : ok

_ But I crumble completely when you cry _

_ It seems like once again you've had to greet me with "Goodbye" _

_ I'm always just about to go and spoil a surprise _

_ Take my hands off of your eyes too soon _

Kei’s always had a good taste in music. Around the time he was 17, he’d commandeered the music the bakery played and organized the playlists by weekday. He always had the songs on shuffle, and would delete and remake playlists as he explored more genres. 

Music guided Kei up until he’d learned it inside and out, and turned it into the tool that he would use to pave his own way.

_ I'm going back to 505 _

_ If it's a seven-hour flight or a forty-five minute drive _

_ In my imagination, you're waiting lying on your side _

_ With your hands between your thighs and a smile _

**_kei <3 <3_ **

**7:33 PM**

**kei <3 <3** : i’ll see you then

  
  


\-----

  
  


For once, Tadashi doesn't doubt that he’s entirely ready to face Kei. He’s worked for two years to find himself, he won’t give it all up just to replace the closure he  _ needs _ with an old, dead friendship that he doesn’t even  _ want  _ anymore. He used to crave it so deeply, wanted to never stop thinking about Kei, but now he knows better than to slip into that kind of mindset. He’s finally grown to be  _ sure _ of himself, and he shows it by walking with purpose into the park. 

He sits at the same park bench that he did two years ago, as the snow begins to fall gently, and listens to one of his favorite Spotify playlists- a pining, love-song type playlist that he had thrown together about a year ago. All I Wanted by Paramore had come up on shuffle when he saw Kei standing there, with the moonlight like a veil, outlining him in a soft, blue-white glow. The lamppost beside Tadashi at the park bench gave off a soft fluorescent light, but to Tadashi, it looked like dawn and dusk meeting. Two entirely different points in time meeting, finding an equilibrium.

“Hey.” Kei says. 

“Hey.” Tadashi smiles.

Tadashi’s dressed in a beige sweater, ripped jeans (which honestly wasn’t an ideal or logical choice, he’s freezing), with a white overcoat. Kei has thick black pants and a light blue sweater on, and for once isn’t wearing his clunky headphones around his neck.

“Why the hell are you wearing ripped jeans?”

“Felt like it.”

“Your outfit hardly matches.”

“Eh. It doesn’t really matter to me. C’mon, let's walk.” Tadashi says, and leads Kei down the winding paths of the park. 

The night before Tadashi left, he’d asked Kei to come to the park with him for so many different reasons. One of them was to confess, because he thought maybe, just  _ maybe _ , Kei would say he likes him back and Tadashi would have an excuse to call everything off, to never leave his side again. Another reason was because it was full of different cobblestone paths, winding throughout the park in so many different ways, lined with trees and bushes and flowers, and it would always look gorgeous no matter the season. The third reason was because of how close it was to their entire lives. It was a block away from the bakery, and two blocks away from their neighborhood. Just a couple blocks away from their whole lives.

Tadashi led the both of them straight through the heart of the park, where an old fountain with stone cherubs stood in the center, surrounded by benches and bushes and birdbaths.

“The night before I left,” Tadashi starts. “I planned on confessing here.”

“Confessing what?”

“You’re not dumb, Kei.”

“...Yeah. I’m not.”

“Where did you go that night?”   
  


“The bakery.”

“Why?”

“Dunno. I just sat there and listened to music for a while.” Tadashi hums, in quiet response.

They sit down together in front of the fountain of cherubs.

“How did you meet all your friends in college?”

“Through my roommate, Suga.”

“What’s Suga like?”

“Surprisingly violent for such a caring person. They’ve got their own patented “negativity begone” attack and I'm pretty sure they've hospitalized several people. And they’re perceptive, too. The first time we met, they could instantly tell I was kinda fucked up. Suggested I went to therapy. They changed my life.” Tadashi half chuckles it out.

“Sounds like they knew you pretty well.”

“I should hope so, since we live together. Y’know... they actually hadn’t even thought to ask me to bake with them until the night before I left.”

“Really? Why?”

“I never brought up baking. For a long time, I thought I couldn't do it without you. But- but that’s stupid. So… we went out to the grocery store and made bread to eat with strawberry jam. And then Suga posted the photos of me baking. And it- it kinda blew up.”

“It did?”

“Yeah.”

They’re silent as they sit down and stare out at the fountain of cherubs, and Tadashi realizes he’s still got his music playing faintly. He pauses it quickly, and takes his bluetooth earphones out of his ears.

“What were you listening to?”

“Huh?”

“What song was playing?”   


“Pleaser. By- by Wallows.”

Kei hums and nods in reply, and they’re quiet again for a couple moments.

“..Tadashi.”

“Hmm?”

“You know why I asked to come here?”

“I think we both do, yes.”

“..Yeah. Sorry.” Kei says it like it was just that easy, like it was that simple.

“Just like that?”

“Would you have it any other way?”

“It just matters to me that it’s your own way.”

“You know I wouldn’t do it anyway else.”

“...Yeah.”

“Does that mean you forgive me?”

“I forgave you a long time ago.”

“Really? When?”

“When you decided to miss me.”

“Oh? When was that?”

“That night when I came over and bought takeout. You-you changed. Just a little, when we were at episode four of that show we never finished. It was a step forward, and that’s enough change for me to know we won’t go back to how we were.”

“What was so bad about it? How we were?”

“I think you know.”

“..Yeah. I do.”

“...Hey.”

“What, Tadashi?”

“Let’s go to the bakery. We can listen to music while we talk?”

“..I’d like that, Tadashi.”

He takes his earphones out again, and gives one of them to Kei before putting the other in his ear. They get up off the bench and walk back the way they came together, and Tadashi plays the next song in his queue.

_ Weekend _

_ You light my fire like a cigarette _

_ I see your colors _

_ Never forget me _

_ We travel wild _

_ Making our own streets _

“What song is this, Tadashi? I’ve heard it before, but I forgot what it was called.”

“ _ Iloveyou _ by Between Friends.” 

“I-what?”

“I dunno! There’s no space in between the words ‘I’, ‘love’, and ‘you’! That’s just the song title.” 

_ Hard stop _

_ And I feel it even more, how? _

_ Our hands are cold _

_ Are you sure now? _

“Ah. I remember it now. I put it in a couple old playlists.” 

“This playlist is one I made about a year ago. I liked the sort of pining vibes it had, so I made a pining playlist.” Tadashi replies.

“How can you listen to the same queue for a year?”

“I didn’t. This is a bit of a throwback for me. I think it’s not too bad a playlist.”

“A pining playlist, huh? Are you trying to say something here?”

“Am I?” Tadashi smirks at Kei, who scoffs and rolls his eyes. Tadashi takes that as a surrender, a victory, but he’s never fallen harder for anything in his life.

_ Hot box _

_ Quiet talks _

_ Swimming pools at night _

_ Our skin sweet, incomplete _

_ But you know what I like _

_ I love you _

_ Tenderly _

_ Tragically _

_ I love you _

_ Tenderly _

_ Tragically _

They walk quietly the rest of the way to the bakery. The streetlights, the open shop windows, and the passing cars set the streets alight with a glow that lights their way so much brighter than in the park, but it still feels like cobblestone pathways to Tadashi. After about fifteen minutes of quietly walking together, their hands brushing together and their eyes trading fleeting glances, they arrive at their own heart, their own cherub fountain- Tsukishima bakery.

With the light from all around them against their skin, with the moonlight dripping down like brown sugar over their heads, Tadashi feels like he’s covered in gold. Dripping with it, adorned with gold and honey and sunlight like jewels, crowning his head, bejeweling his ears, hanging like chains on his clothes. And Kei,  _ Kei _ , he looks like he’s drowning in silver. Silver across his face, like tears, like frosting painted with their fingers, like a white flag, like surrendering. Suddenly, Tadashi can see his reflection against the silver of Kei’s skin. His eyes are silver. And Kei’s eyes, God, those  _ eyes _ -

Kei’s eyes are bright gold, like jewels. Their gazes are locked, golden and silver. Their stares collide like stars; they collide like brown sugar that looks like stardust. They collide tenderly, tragically.

“Ah, Tadashi, I think I forgot my key to the ba-”

“Shut up.” Tadashi interjects, and Kei turns from facing the bakery entrance to look at him.

“What? Tada-”

_ Fuck it _ . He thinks to himself. 

_I'm done waiting._

Tadashi grabs Kei by the collar, pushes himself onto the tips of his toes, and smashes his lips onto Kei’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAAAA YESSSSS CLIFFHANGER CENTRAL <3 <3 
> 
> i hope you all hate me, i wanted the kiss scene to be as sudden and out of the blue as possible so that this chapter hits like a TRUCK
> 
> i woke up this morning and chose violence <3
> 
> come scream at me <3 <3 at tastefully-illiterate on tumblr and @senkusIut on twitter (with a capital i instead of lowercase L)


	5. you're the passion in my life (you're the secret i can't hide)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tadashi and Kei talk- they speak tenderly, tragically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i did in fact name this chapter after a lyric from you belong to me from the disney film Let It Shine circa 2012 and what of it 
> 
> NO BUT DEADASS THAT SOUNDTRACK IS AMAZIBNG PLS VNJKFN i highly reccomend it 
> 
> anyways yes thats what the song is from and its in the bakery au playlist right [here <3](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4xEzxXsyG1oUSG4nuUsJTM)
> 
> here is the final chapter! i planned it out so that this last chapter drops on christmas eve, so happy holidays to anyone celebrating!! <33 sorry about that cliffhanger last week
> 
> (im not sorry <3 that was my magnum opus /lh) 
> 
> anyways pls enjoy this long ass mostly-fluff final chapter!!

To Tadashi, Kei tastes like burnt sugar and silver.

Their lips and noses are frigid amongst the crisp air, but Tadashi crashes into Kei and  _ burns _ . Like he was hot, melty gold that poured onto Kei like thick honey, deep molasses. For an instant, Tadashi thought he’d ruined everything- thought he’d pushed too hard and burned too hot and turned everything to ash. But Kei could handle the heat, could hold together under the melting gold, and surrendered himself to Tadashi’s current. They kissed outside the bakery for what probably felt longer than it was, and when they separated, their noses nudged each other, and Kei took it as his chance to be the one to kiss Tadashi, this time. 

Tadashi thinks that it gets better and better with every kiss. Kei’s arms loop around Tadashi’s waist as he puts his hands against Kei’s face, and although he can't feel his cheeks from the thick wool of his mittens, he could feel the soft, cold skin like cool silver against his face as Kei kisses him. He kisses Tadashi like shafts of sunlight, like marigolds and strawberry blond.

Kei kisses him the same way he surrenders to him, and Tadashi couldn’t fall any harder.

Tadaashi pulls away, stops standing at the tips of his toes, and looks up at Kei’s flushed face- it’s splotchy and red all over, probably from the biting cold mixed in with the fact that they just fucking  _ kissed _ , Tadashi just  _ kissed him _ , and it makes him want to take a picture.

“...Tadashi.” Kei’s breathless, staring at him.

“Hmm?” Tadashi can’t help but grin.

“Is this song from a fucking Disney movie?”   
  


_ You Belong To Me  _ from Let It Shine was playing faintly through their earphones, and Tadashi had been too distracted by Kei’s lips on his to notice. He starts chuckling, until he’s laughing, until he’s grabbing his sides and can't breathe from how hard he’s laughing.

And Kei’s laughing too.

They both laugh for the entire song, as it plays through to completion. They laugh outside the Tsukishima bakery, they laugh between everything that was and wasn't’ familiar. They laugh like gold and silver and burnt sugar and chocolate ganache.

“Okay, you  _ have _ to tell me how a song from fucking  _ Let It Shine _ , an old ass American Disney movie, found its way into a  _ pining playlist _ .” 

“Tanaka said it was a cinematic masterpiece and made us all watch the movie like a year and a half ago. Suga cried.”

“Did you cry too?”

“...Maybe.”

They laugh again, and start walking back, since Kei had forgotten his keys to the bakery. They walk back, back, back, to that familiar block between them, and head to Tadashi’s house.

“Okay, but for real. The songs are really good! You should check them out, Kei. I love the songs so much.”

“You’re unironically listening to old kid’s movie songs..”

“They’re good! Don’t knock Disney songs, they’re great.” 

“Alright, alright. But if you start crying because one of the songs from the movie is sad, I’m never talking to you again.”

“Deal.”

They smile at each other, and keep walking. This time, Kei offers his hand- a quiet gesture of surrender, hesitant and shy at first, but Tadashi takes his hand with confidence and they sway their arms together, step by step, as they walk through the streets.

  
  


\-----

  
  


When they get home, Tadashi takes off his overcoat, shoes, and mittens. He pauses the music, and disconnects his earphones. 

“So it seems we’ve got something to do tonight.” Tadashi says as they walk into the living room. 

“And what is that?” 

“You see, my friends have been  _ dying _ to get to talk to you.” Tadashi smirks at Kei, before turning on the tv. “But you must complete the rite of passage.”

“But I already met Noya.”

“Circumstantial. They came to surprise me. To meet everyone else, you have to do something.”

“And what is that?”

“No  _ ‘no’ _ ? No ‘ _ what are you making me do _ ’? No asking for what the catch is? You've really changed, Kei.”

“I didn’t say yes.”

“Didn’t need to.” Their gazes lock, and Tadashi smiles at him until Kei sighs, he surrenders.

“What is it?”   
  


“Time to watch _Let It Shine_!”

“Oh my  _ God. _ I’m gonna order us pizza. This is gonna be a long night.” Kei rolls his eyes, and Tadashi grins so hard his face hurts. This is gonna be  _ fun _ . He whips out his phone to shoot a quick text while Kei makes the call.

  
  


**_the yamaguchi protection squad_ **

**8:47 PM**

**yamacutie** : operation get kei to be christened by Disney Film _Let It Shine_ (circa 2012): commencing 

**suga rush** : OH FUCK? WE GOIN FULL THROTTLE RN?

**bald baddie** : DOESNT THAT MEAN THEY KISSED

**suga rush** : SHIT U RITE U RITE ALL BOYFRIENDS MUST BE CHRISTENED BEFORE MEETING THE SQUAD

**suga rush** : HOLY FUCKINGSHIT?

**noya local bone stealer** : BITCH ANSWER US @ **yamacutie**

Tadashi puts his phone away. A little suspense would do them good- and be funny. His phone pings a couple times as he puts it in his back pocket to set up the movie, and as the seconds pass and Kei waits on the couch, the pinging becomes more and more like a singular tone with how fast it pings.

“I think your friends might need something from you.”

“Oh really? What makes you think that?” Tadashi looks up at Kei as the movie finishes loading, and they both laugh. Tadashi moves to sit on the couch, before getting an idea. A  _ brave _ idea.

“Hey Kei, scooch further up the side of the couch.”

“Why?” Kei asks, but he’s already moving, already surrendering.

“Oh, nothing.” Tadashi says, plopping right into Kei’s lap. Kei grunts and stiffens, but Tadashi can’t see his face. He lays his back against Kei’s chest as the movie starts playing, before looking up and seeing the way Kei’s face is flushed bright red, and looking straight down at him.

“You’re evil.” 

“Learned it from the best.” Tadashi puts his right hand up, caresses His face with his fingertips against his warm skin, and they smile at each other- a tender thing, a tragic thing. They both surrender, and they both win.

“Hate you.”

“Hate you too.”

Kei presses a soft kiss to Tadashi's forehead before the movie starts.

\-----

  
  


When the movie’s over, Tadashi offers to take Kei to the Iwate prefecture for New Years- to show him what changed Tadashi so much over the course of two years. 

“You want me to spend New Year’s in a shitty apartment.?”

“I want you to spend New Years with me in  _ Daichi’s  _ shitty apartment. We can spend the rest of our time there in another shitty apartment, if you’d like.”

“I don’t know those people.”

“You don’t know them _ yet _ . I think you deserve a good trip, though! It’ll be fun, and you'll fit right in. You and Noya got along great considering how certain I was you guys were gonna hospitalize each other. But- but I understand, if you don’t wanna go. That's fine too.”

“...I dunno. I mean- I can afford it yeah, but-”

“You don't know if you  _ want to _ .” Tadashi finishes his sentence, and Kei pauses.

“...Yeah.”

“That’s fine too. You don’t  _ have _ to meet them.” 

“..I..Kinda want to, though. They look stupid as fuck and easy to make fun of.”

“I’d like to see you try and pick on Suga. They’d eat you alive.”

“Noted.” Kei chuckles. 

Tadashi lays his head back against Kei’s chest, and stops looking up. His phone starts ringing -his newly changed ringtone, 505 by the Arctic Monkeys, starts playing- and Tadashi pulls his phone out to see Suga is face timing him.

“Wanna meet Suga?”

“Fuck it, why not. And don’t think I don’t recognize that ringtone.”

“Wouldn’t expect anything less from you, Kei.” Tadashi chuckles, before answering the facetime call. At the sight of Tadashi in Kei’s arms, Suga screams- and so do several other people.

_ “Merry Chris- OH MY GOD!”  _ Noya was yelling from beside Suga. _   
  
_

_ “BITCH! Y’ALL OWE ME TWO HUNDRED FUCKIN’ YEN, I TOLD YOU HOES-”  _ Suga immediately stops looking at the screen to look at Nishinoya and Tanaka, who was next to them.

_ “HE GOT THE BAAAAAAAAAAG-”  _ Tanaka screeches.

_ “OH MY FUCKIN’ GOD HE ON X GAMES MODE-” _ Nishinoya’s assaulting Tanaka’s arm as they stare at the phone screen.

“Is someone  _ yodeling _ ?” Kei asks because someone has indeed begun scream-yodeling somewhere in the background. Tadashi can see Suga, Nishinoya, Tanaka, and Daichi all packed into Daichi’s apartment living room. The camera is shaking too much for Tadashi to see anyone else, but he guesses the rest of Suga and Daichi’s friends are there too. 

“..I think that’s Nishinoya? Yodeling?” Tadashi glances up to see Kei, staring incredulously at the chaos on Tadashi’s phone screen.

“ _ I TOLD Y’ALL BITCHES THE MOMENT I SAW KEI I KNEW HE WAS FUCKIN’ WHIPPED, HIS BITCHASS WAS BOUND TO-”  _ Nishinoya get’s fucking socked in the face by Tanaka, who was running around as he yodeled. Turns out he was singing the word “gay”.

“Ah, nope, it was Tanaka who was yodeling.” Tadashi sighs.

_ “We get it Noya! You met him before everyone else!” _

_ “Fuck OFF Suga, I met him first, I got the fucking best purse over there, AND I was right! IN EACH OTHERS ARMS AT CHRISTMAS EVE! FUCKING GAY!” _ _   
  
_

“For once they got the timing right with that ‘gay’ thing.” Kei says, and Tadashi looks up and smiles at him, before he starts laughing because shit, he isn’t wrong.

“ _ OH MY GOD THEY’RE SO FUCKING CUTE! I'M HAVING A HEART PALPITATION!” _ Tanaka wails from behind Suga, who was holding the camera the entire time.

“Can I give you a kiss?” Tadashi asks it softly, so they can’t hear him talking to Kei.

“Like I give a shit.” Kei chuckles, taking the phone from his hands as Tadashi shoots up to give Kei a cheek kiss. Kei had moved his head down, probably expecting a kiss on the mouth.

“Oh, that was a  _ dirty move _ , you knew I wasn’t expecting it to be on the cheek, Tada-”

“ _ AAAAAAAAAAA THEY'RE FUCKIN’ KISSING! I CAN'T WITH THIS SHIT THEY'RE SO GAAAAAAAAY!” _ Suga screams. The camera goes blurry, until Daichi appears, now holding the phone. He sighs amongst the screaming, and flips the camera to show Nishinoya and Tanaka holding each other’s arms and shaking each other, while Suga is jumping up and down and severely scaring Asahi, who was just sitting on the couch in both exhaustion and agony. A tired and haunted soul, that one. Hinata and Kageyama are also on the couch, watching Suga scar their friend for life; Hinata looks excited but completely lost, like he wants to be happy but has no idea what’s going on, and Kageyama just looks straight up entirely bewildered. And kind of pouty, but he always looks like that.

_ “Yamaguchi, please tell them to stop being so loud.”  _ Daichi says from behind the phone _. “I just wanted one normal fucking sleepover. One normal Christmas Eve. If you tell them the screaming makes you sad, they’ll shut up- please, Yams, make them shut the fuck up _ .”

“Daichi did you just say fuck?”

“... _ I’m desperate okay?” _

“Okay. Guys- hey!” Tadashi calls, and Tanaka and Nishinoya stop assaulting each other to look at the phone, and scramble to grab it.

“ _ Yeah, Yams _ ?” Tanaka asks, grabbing the phone.

“Can you not yell anymore? It hurts Daichi’s head, and that makes me sad.” 

“ _ Oh my god. We made Yams sad again. The Yamaguchi protection squad has failed yet again. We must disband and pay for our crimes against humanity!” _ Tanaka shrieks, which means that they very much were not going to be any quieter.

“No, that’s not- don’t! Don’t do anything dangerous! Swear to God, Tanaka, if you try and jump out the fucking window again-” Tadashi cuts himself off when Tanaka drops the phone, likely to launch himself out of the nearest window. Daichi sighs, and grabs the phone.

“He tried to do what _ , _ now?”

“Yeah he does that sometimes, Kei. “

“...Why am I not surprised?” Kei sighs.

“ _ Thanks for trying, Yams. I’m gonna just.. Call an ambulance in advance. I’ll- I’ll text you in the morning who's injured by what. You know how they are, with the defenestration. It’s a bad habit.” _

“Best of luck, Daichi.”

“ _ Thanks. Congrats on your boyfriend!” _ Daichi replies, and Tadashi waves at the camera as he hangs up.

“..Do your friends get hospitalized often?”

“You would think so, but their bodies are surprisingly sturdy when facing things like alcohol poisoning or just. Poison in general. I think they either exist on another plane of reality, or they’re just really lucky. “

“That Daichi guy seems pretty much like the only one holding them together.”

“...Yeah. Poor Daichi. Cursed to babysit fully grown adults.”

“Do you think that’s what it's like for 'Teru's fiance to live with him?” Kei asks, and Tadashi sputters before starting to laugh.

“Akiteru isn't even here to defend himself!”

“That's what makes it so funny.”

“All this changing you’re doing and you’re still an asshole, huh?”

“It’s the best part of me. You like it.”

“And you like  _ me _ .” Tadashi gives Kei a sly, crooked grin as he looks up from his place at Kei’s chest- it’s been awkward the entire time to look up at him, but it’s so  _ warm _ , like brown sugar and sunlight.

“Did I ever say it?” Kei raises his eyebrow as he speaks.

“Do you have to?”

“Well maybe I want to.”

“Oh? This is new.”

“There’s a lot of things that’re new.”

“Are you saying I don’t know you?”

“Maybe, maybe not.”

“Ah, you’re avoiding the question.”

“And you’re avoiding the subject.”

“And what are we talking about?”

“How much I like you.”

Tadashi didn't expect Kei to just say it so deadpan- sure, he’s blunt about everything else, but his  _ feelings _ ?

“And you want to talk about it?”

“Oh God no, that shit’s cringy as fuck. But it’s better than repeating the last two years again.”

“You’ve truly changed, huh?”

“I thought we’ve been over this.”

“We never actually talked about anything.”

“We were always like that.”

“Yeah, but do you want to go back to how we  _ were _ ?”

“...Touché.”

“...So.”

“...So.”

“What are we doing, Kei?”

“What do you wish we were doing?”   


“I think you know I like you.”

“And I think you know.. I fuckin’. Reciprocate. And all that cringy shit.”

“Then.. Are we dating?”

“You’re literally in my arms right now, Tadashi.”

“Suga and I do this all the time, and we aren’t dating!”

“..Why?”

“Dunno. They call it Feelings Time, and we talk about how we’re doing. It’s honestly kinda cathartic. Sometimes people call our friendship weird because we’re close, but everyone that we actually hang out with doesn't mind- neither does Daichi. Suga- Suga’s boyfriend, I think I told you that. Are you.. Okay with that? The way Suga and I are?”

“Like I give a shit about your friendships with other people. You wouldn’t cheat on anyone- I don’t care how much you’ve changed, you’re not that shitty of a person.”

“Wow, I'm honored to receive such high praise.” Tadashi croons.

“Fuckin’-” Kei’s face flushes, surrenders. “Play- play another movie or something. We know what we’re doing now.”

“Okay, Kei.” Tadashi plays a random Christmas film on the TV, and lays his head back against Kei’s chest as they watch the movie.

  
  


\-----

  
  


“So what’re your thoughts on the absolute masterpiece that is _Let it Shine?_ ” Tadashi asks. It’s getting close to midnight, and the end credits to some cringy Christmas movie was playing.

“..Overrated.”

“You’re a bad liar, Kei. I know you liked it.”

“Doesn’t mean it's as good as you say it is. It’s not half bad, but it isn’t a ‘cultural reset’.”

“If Suga heard you say that you’d be hospitalized.”

“Good think I’m talking to you, instead. My boyfriend wouldn’t hospitalize me.”

“You better think twice about that, Kei.”

“Are you threatening me?”

“I dunno, are you disrespecting the greatest film of all time?”

Kei doesn’t reply and their gazes lock at the silence that rings between them; then Kei smirks, and Tadashi sits up, turns around and grins crookedly, till suddenly they’re both laughing in each other’s arms. 

“..Hey, Tadashi.”

“Hmm?”

“What time is it?”

“Uhh… A little after midnight I think.” Tadashi replies, looking up at Kei. They’re laying down on the couch still, but now Tadashi’s flipped over and on top of Kei, propping himself up with his arms beside Kei’s waist and Kei sitting up on his elbows, which are against the couch’s arms. Tadashi’s chin is parallel to Kei’s collarbone, and he’s staring right up into Kei’s eyes, eyes like silver with flecks of gold. Like dusk, like moonlight and stardust with sunlight sifted over him. 

“..Merry Christmas then, Tadashi.”

“...Fuck.” Tadashi replies.

“What?”

“I totally forgot about presents! I completely forgot, I didn’t even think about the fact that Christmas is a thing you  _ celebrate! _ ”

“Too busy thinking about me to think about getting me something, huh?” Kei grins, looking a little further down onto him, moving a little closer to Tadashi.

“Shut the fuck up, Kei.” Tadashi says it with a venomous tone, but he’s grinning and his eyes are half lidded and their mouths are only a handful of inches apart.

“What makes you think I’ll just  _ obey _ you like that?” Kei chuckles, practically laughing onto Tadashi’s cheeks with how close their faces are now. He’s daring Tadashi to do something.

“Cheeky bastard.”

“Yeah, but you love it.”

Tadashi doesn’t deign Kei’s retort with a response. At least, not a  _ verbal _ one. He’s too busy pressing his lips against Kei’s, which effectively does shut him the fuck up, like Tadashi asked. He kisses Kei insistently, insatiably. Like he can’t get enough of Kei, like he was drinking from an endless cherub fountain.

Tadashi kisses Kei tenderly, tragically.

Kei’s hand makes its way to Tadashi’s left cheek. He caresses his face with his slender fingers, and he doesn’t cup his cheek- he  _ adorns  _ it. Like jewelry, like decorative chains, like silver adorning Tadashi’s cheek and jawline. His thumb drags back and forth over Tadashi’s cheekbone gently, softly, like he’s scared Tadashi will break. Tadashi furrows his brows and kisses Kei a little harder, to which Kei pulls back.

“Do you plan on breathing anytime soon?”

“I don’t think that’s in my schedule for today, no.” Kei chuckles at him, and Tadashi can’t fight the smile on his face.

“Do you think you could spare a couple seconds?”

“Don’t think so.” Tadashi chuckles, kissing Kei chastely before speaking again. “I’ve got other plans.”

Tadashi loved Kei like it was his morning routine, like a habit. In his schedule, a reminder set on his phone, a sticky note, a checklist to cross off on. Tadashi smiled and laughed for him like it was just an everyday thing, like it was normal. Even as they'd drifted and broken and bled silvers and golds like tears, even as the miles between them stretched on, Tadashi loved him until it all collapsed. And they collided- and almost instinctively, Tadashi went back to his usual routine. Loved Kei like nothing had happened, like they weren't still healing, and somehow it helped them both. It grew between them like vines, tying them up together inextricably like they had been before. Loving Kei felt like a habit more than a state of being, and Tadashi wasn't one to drift from routine.

  
  
  


\-----

  
  


Kei wishes he could’ve stayed the night at Tadashi’s place. It was already late, and he’s stayed over a million times, but the both of them know it wouldn’t be ideal. They’ve just started dating, it hasn’t even been a full day, it wouldn’t be right to stay over. Right? But they’ve known each other since they were twelve, so wouldn’t it be normal for them to spend the night?

_ God, I need friends to talk about this shit with.  _

Kei looks at the contacts on his phone, and he knows exactly who to call, who knows Tadashi in and out just like Kei does, who knows better than to sugar coat shit, but…  _ really _ ?  _ Them? _

Kei presses the dial button before he can regret it, as he walks home.

“ _ Wha? Eh? You’re not poison control. I saw you guys last week!” _

“Noya, are you  _ drunk _ ?”

“ _TSUKKI? DID YOU JUST ASK IF I’M DRUNK?_ _BITCH IT’S CHRISTMAS! THE FUCK? WHY THE HELL WOULD I BE SOBER?”_ Nishinoya asks, and Kei can absolutely hear some sort of drunken laughing and talking going on in the background of wherever he is. Kei assumes it's the same place as where Suga had facetimed Tadashi from earlier that day. He can hear someone unironically bopping to “ _Apple Bottom Jeans_ ” in the background.

“...Fair. Are you too drunk to give advice?”

“ _ Bitch, m’never too drunk! _ ”

“Ok, you’re too drunk.”

“ _ No the fuck I’m not!”  _

“Sure, Snickers mini.”

“ _ That doesn’t make sense _ .”

“The ‘mini’ part does.”

“ _ Fuck you, I’m not helping you anymore! MEANIE!” _

“Too hurt by the big bad Tsukki?”

“ _ Fuck you! The fuck do you even want advice for? _ ”

“Uh. Um-”

“ _ Is it one of those ‘I’m too emotionally constipated to feel comfortable talking about this shit’ type of deals _ ?”

“Fuck off.”   


“ _ Ok, it is then. What's the question? _ ”

“Okay first of all, fuck you.” Kei retorts, because he didn’t expect them to just  _ know _ all of Kei’s verbal tells like Tadashi does. 

“ _ No thanks big guy. I’m not into the ‘emotionally repressed pining bastard’ type anyways. _ ”

“...Ok I'm not going to talk about that.”

“ _ As you should. Anyways? What is it? _ ”

“...Should I have stayed over at Tadashi’s house? I’m walking home right now.”

“ _ Depends, were you tryna- _ ”

“Swear to God if you say  _ fuck- _ ”

“ _ Make pastries and be cute and giggly and gay all night with him? _ ”

“...”

“ _ What the fuck is with your mind, Tsukki, wow, I can’t believe you thought I would sa- _ ”

“Fuck off, you did that on purpose.”

“ _ Anyways. You should go home, yeah. You guys just got together today right? _ ”

“Yeah.”

“ _ Y’all getting together on Christmas Eve.. That’s gay as shit. _ ”

“Shut the fuck up and elaborate already.”

“ _ Maybe if you stopped contradicting yourself, I would _ .  _ Tellin’ me to shut up, then tell me to keep fuckin’ talkin, like some kinda tsundere headass- OI! FUCK OFF! STOP FUCKIN’ YODELING _ !” Kei can hear someone yodeling in the background, and it sounds like Tanaka yodeling the word ‘gay’ again. He can also faintly hear Suga telling him to shut the fuck up.

“Fuck off, Noya.”

“ _ Love ya too, bud. But anyways it was a good choice going back home. Takin’ it slow and all that cute ass gay shit. That all, dude _ ?”

“Yeah. Uh- goodnight. Nishinoya.”

“ _ Night, bud. Happy holidays! _ ” 

Kei hangs up the phone, and opens Spotify as he walks the rest of the way home. He has a lot to think about, a lot to unpack, but he feels like it’s always been there, always waiting for him to let himself acknowledge it

When he gets to his house, he dreams of lips on his and gold, gold, gold. And if he also dreamt of a weight on his chest -dreamt of flecks of silver like gems amongst that warm, warm gold, dreamt of freckles like chocolate ganache and sifted cinnamon- that wasn’t anyone’s secret but his own.

Kei dreams of Tadashi; he dreams tenderly, tragically. He dreams passionately of secrets- ones that no matter how hard he tries, he can’t hide them. Not from Tadashi, at least.

  
  


\-----

  
  


“Merry Christmas!”

Kei wakes up to two faces- loud ones. Akiteru and his mother, grinning down at him with confetti poppers in their hands. When they realize Kei is indeed conscious, unfortunately, they set off the confetti poppers, right onto his fucking  _ bed _ . Which he will have to clean up.

“Th’fuck?” Kei asks, groggily.

“Merry Christmas, Kei!” Akiteru grins, and swoops down to hug Kei, who's barely starting to sit up when he’s assaulted by his brother. He sees Marumi, with her phone open now, clearly about to take a photo.

“Mo- no!” Kei says, and the flash goes off just as Kei’s raised his hands, which means that there’ll most likely be a photo up in the bakery of Kei with a flushed face, wearing a fucking  _ dino pajama shirt _ at what Kei guessses to be around seven in the morning, considering how low the sun was hanging through his window.

_ Great, another reason I should file a lawsuit for slander and defamation against my own family _ . 

¨C´mon baby bro-”

“Do. Fucking.  _ Not _ . Call me ‘baby’ fucking ‘bro’, I’m putting fucking spoiled milk in your goddamn soda if you  _ ever _ -”

“Rude! Be nice to each other!” Marumi swats both of them on the back of the head lightly, before motioning for Akiteru to leave the room. Akitery mumbles a pouty “ _ good morning _ ” as he walks out of the room. As Kei sits upright on his bed, Marumi joins him on the bed and wraps her arm around him. He’d long grown much taller than her, but Matumi herself wasn’t exactly a short person. Her and Kei’s father both were tall people, hence how tall Kei was, which Akiteru always complained about, since he hadn’t quite inherited the same height as the rest of the family.

“Morning, Mom.”

“Good morning to you too, Kei.” She smiles at him and kisses his cheek, before laying her head against Kei’s shoulder and looks out his window, which had curtains, but they weren’t too thick or dark to block out the shafts of light that cut through the cracks in the blinds. 

“..He never really came back, did he?”

Kei doesn't need to say his name for both of them to know who he's talking about.

“No he didn’t, baby. This is someone new.”

“Is that good or bad?”

“You tell me. You’re the one who spent Christmas Eve with him.”

“..Do you think I changed at all, in the last two years?”

“You don’t show very much of yourself. But I think that the parts you don't show the rest of us are in there, changing and growing in ways that you don’t know how to express yet.”

“.. Is it- is it my fault?”

“I don't think it’s anyone’s fault he left. It wasn’t a bad thing, Kei. It was just a painful one.”

“I don’t think I ever told him I was happy for him.”

“Were you?”

“..No. I wasn’t. Not for a long time. Then I- I decided to forget about him before I could let myself be happy he left.”

“..Well that was dumb of you, Kei.”

Kei doesn’t reply to that. He doesn’t need to admit it for both of them to know she’s right.

“Honey, you kept all of this inside you for  _ two years _ ?”

“I was in love with him! What the  _ hell _ could I have done?” Kei hides behind past tense. He stands up and grabs his glasses off his desk, but looks anywhere but at his mother. He can see clearly now, but he can't face looking at her, at her words.

“You and I both know that’s  _ not _ why you didn’t tell  _ anyone _ what you felt.”

“Well it wouldn’t have mattered anyways! He was going to leave!”

“And what? You couldn’t follow him? Kei, you don’t need to  _ stay _ here for your entire life. Look at him. He’s  _ back  _ here, he’s coming back again after his final semester, and he’ll be here again. But he still  _ moved _ . He went out and figured out who he was. You can’t stay in one place forever.”

“And what does that have to do with how I  _ felt _ ?”

“You need to find yourself! It has  _ everything _ to do with how you feel! Goddamnit, Kei, you need to  _ leave. _ The only way to take a look at your life is from a different angle. Are you gonna check for pimples on your nose by going cross eyed? Get a mirror! That's how this works.”

“And where would you suggest I go? I can’t just pack my bags and walk out and hope for the best.”

“Anywhere! You have the money for it, shit, you’ve hardly even  _ spent  _ any of it. Find somewhere that feels your own, then come back to Tadashi. And make whatever space you two have together your  _ own _ .”

“..What do you mean?”

“...Aren’t you and Tadashi dating?”

_ What? _ Kei thinks, before answering. Nobody had even known they’d kissed except for Tadashi’s friends- how the  _ hell _ did Marumi figure it out?

“Since  _ when _ have you known that?”

“Since Kiyoko told me you’d been skittish around him for two weeks. And ever since he got back you’ve been quiet, too.”

“Doesn’t mean we’re dating, though.”

“So I’m wrong, and you two haven’t been going on dates?”

Kei doesn’t deign answer that question.

“When was the first date, Kei?”

“..Last night, technically.”

“...You  _ haven’t _ been dating until  _ yesterday _ ?”

“And what of it?”

“I just lost 400 goddamn yen to your brother!”

All semblance of seriousness dissolved. They made a single moment of solid eye contact before Marumi started laughing, and Kei snickers.

“..I can see where I got my asshole side from.” He says to her when he stops laughing.

“I love you too, Kei!” Marumi grins sheepishly and hugs Kei. He hugs her back, tightly. She smells like sugar and coffee.

“..Hey Mom.”

“Hmm?”

“Why does everyone do that?”

“What?”   
  


“I say something and they reply that they- that they love me. I didn’t say I love you.”

“You did. You just don’t say it the conventional way. Everyone loves someone. We don’t get to choose who we love, or in what way. We can’t even choose how we express it. But we choose whether or not we can say it out loud. You don’t say it loudly, but you do say it indirectly. And as long as we know that, you don’t need to change a thing about it.”

“..I don’t like it.”

“You don’t like that we know you love us?”

“...Don’t like that- that it’s. So fucking  _ easy _ . For all of you. It’s just- like that? That quick?”

“Takes years to know a person, and a lifetime to understand them. I think the only person other than me and ‘Teru that knows you that well is  _ him _ , Kei.”

“Have I always been this transparent?”

“Not to me. But I think you and Tadashi know each other better than you know yourselves, even after all this time. You’re both- you’ve got a connection that’s been here for fourteen years. Two years isn’t enough to make it all fall through. It’d take a lot longer than that for you two to really know so little about each other. So no, I don’t think you’re transparent, Kei. I think you’re just loved.”

“...Did you make enough coffee for everyone?”

“Yes, but knowing your brother he’s probably halfway through the waffles I made.”

“You raised a despicable bastard.”

“I raised two, actually.” 

They both walk out of the room laughing. Marumi laughs louder, and Kei just chuckles as he walks to the kitchen with her. He doesn’t need to laugh as loudly as she does, but it feels like he’s laughing out loud in his own way. 

When they walked into the room, Marumi hit Akiteru with a wet rag for shoving all of the waffles she’d made in his face. They ate what was left of the breakfast together, and opened presents not long after. Kei had gotten his mother a simple but expensive necklace- one with braided silvers and a jade green gem that sat snugly between her collarbones. He got her matching earrings too, with loops and more braids of silver that cupped the shell of her ear, and had more gems splayed out like flowers on it. He’d gotten Akiteru a waffle maker, because according to several sources -mostly being his experience growing up with him, and his fiancé- Akiteru was addicted to waffles, and for some reason had yet to actually purchase a waffle maker.

Marumi had bought Kei a new set of earphones- they looked very different from his old ones, which had admittedly been deteriorating slowly. They were bluetooth ones, very small, light and convenient. Akiteru had gotten him a new desk for his room. His old one was wobbly, and just like a lot of things Kei owned, was old and slowly coming undone. They both had thought he could use something new in his life, and had said “ _you’re_ _welcome_ ” before he’d even gotten the chance to thank them.

  
  


\-----

  
  


**_From: tadashi_ **

**_8:26 AM_ **

**tadashi** : merry christmas kei!!! i hope today is great for you <3 

**You** : thanks, u too

**tadashi** : do u wanna do something today? maybe tonight, or tomorrow is fine too o:

**You** : thats cool with me

**tadashi** : awesome >:)

  
  


\-----

  
  


Akiteru’s fiancé -Eito- showed up around noon. He’d told everyone he’d be in Europe with his family, which he was, but told Marumi in advance he’d be surprising Akiteru by showing up on Christmas day. Kei called it cringy, and after Akiteru attempted to hit Kei and failed, Eito just smiled and said he missed him too.  Kei was starting to get used to people knowing what he means. He doesn’t know what to think about it, but he supposes it isn’t too bad to let people understand him. It makes it a lot easier for things to be left unsaid, so they can speak for themselves.

About halfway through a shitty Christmas movie Akiteru had put on for everyone, Kei’s phone rings. The ringtone Kei had set for Tadashi plays faintly from his back pocket, and instantly Kei can feel all the blood draining from his face.

_ Pretty boy _

_ What fills your heart with glee _

_ (One more question) _

_ Is there any room _

_ In that pretty heart _

_ For me _

_ Pretty boy _

_ The energy you radiate is nice-  _

“Kei, is that-”

“Gotta answer this. Bye.” Kei has to make a conscious effort not to spring up off the couch and sprint away from them, because that was the most embarrassing experience he’s ever experienced in his life. He hardly even remembered changing Tadashi’s ringtone to “ _ pretty boy! _ ” by Morgan Reese, and now everyone’s heard it. He answers the phone, regardless of his current state of sheer mortification.

“Hello?”

“ _ Hey, Kei! How’s Christmas goin’ for you?” _

“Doin’ okay. How about you?”

“ _ I got up at five AM to cook a huge breakfast for my parents as an apology for forgetting about presents.” _

“Did you tell them why you forgot in the first place?”

“ _ No. _ ”

“Too embarrassed to tell them I'm the reason you forgot to buy presents?”

“ _ Shut up, Kei, you know that’s not true.” _

“Yeah sure, and ‘Teru’s a rocket scientist.”

“ _ Rude! _ ”

“You like me rude.”

“ _ I can't stand you. Wanna hang out? Since y’know, we already texted about doin’ something today.” _

“I can’t right now. In about an hour? Let’s meet up at the end of the block.”

“ _ Oh, at the end of the street? Sounds like you’ve got plans. I’m down! See you then, Kei.” _

“See you then.” 

Kei hangs up, and thinks of different places to go with Tadashi as he walks back to sit down at the couch with his family again. A part of him already knows where he wants to go. He makes sure to remember his keys this time.

“Who was it that was calling? I bet it was Ta-”

“Akiteru if you say another word I’m throwing you out a window.”

“Love you too, bro.”

“Don’t you  _ dare _ call me  _ bro _ -”

“But it's true! You’re literally my-”

“Both of you  _ shut up!  _ I think there’s a kiss scene coming up right now!” Marumi interrupts both of them, and they keep playing the movie.

Akiteru promptly spends fifteen minutes wiggling his eyebrows and nudging Kei with his eyebrows, until Kei once again threatens severe bodily harm and Marumi yet again tells them both to shut up, while Eito grinned at the both of them and watched the bickering.

  
  


\-----

  
  


“So what’re we doing? Where are we going?” Tadashi asks, before Kei could say anything.

“I just got here, not even a hello?” He raises his eyebrow at Tadashi, who just smiles smugly, walks forward, and plants a firm kiss on Kei’s face. Two years ago, hell, even a month ago, Kei would've expected his kisses to be gentle, to be soft, to be silver and tentative and unsure. Now, all Tadashi’s kisses are like bursts of sunlight, chunks of gold, bright and strong and  _ confident _ . If he got any more sure of himself, any braver, any stronger, Kei was going to have to check into a hospital.

“...Hello, Kei.” Tadashi says it gently, which very much clashes with how strongly he’d reacted to Kei’s quip. He’s barely an inch away from a second kiss, and Kei speaks before he's forced to surrender again.

“Hey.”

Kei doesn't tell Tadashi where he’s guiding them to. He only had a vague idea of  _ where  _ he wanted to be, and still hasn’t figured out exactly what it is he wants to do. 

All he knows is that he needs to take Tadashi to the bakery. He has to lead the way, just this once. 

He also remembered for once to bring his damn key, and bring everything he’s been holding back for the last two years.

“Kei, why’re we at the bakery?”

“Did you have lunch?”

“..Yes?”

“Perfect. Get in.” 

“Ah yes, a man of chivalry.” Tadashi quips, walking inside before Kei.

They both walk inside, and Kei guides Tadashi into the back of the bakery. Neither of them need to say anything about it- they sit down, just like they had four years ago, back when they’d first graduated, just had their first taste of the world in front of them. 

“This is what you wanted to do, Kei?”

“Would you have it any other way?” 

“You got me there.”

“....I’m taking you up on that offer from last night- if it’s still on the table. I wanna try and spend New Years with you. And- and your friends, if they don’t mind.”

“Oh?”

“There’s very few people to mock here at home when you’re not around.”

“But you have Akiteru, he visits all the time.”

“Insulting him gets old when you’ve been doing it your whole life.”

“That's fair. Should I tell them, or should I make it a surprise?”

“Depends on how well you can hide an entire boyfriend from them.”

“... I’ll tell Suga. Do you mind rooming with them and I?”

“I don’t care so long as Suga doesn’t.”   
  


“Then it’s settled. All we need to do now is ask them.”

` Tadashi shoots a quick text from his phone before returning to just sitting beside Kei, with their backs against the bottom cabinets and their legs splayed on the ground. Everything around Kei was familiar, and yet nothing felt the same. He felt like it was never going to be the same again- everything was different now. 

_ “It wasn’t a bad thing, Kei. It was just a painful one.” _

Marumi’s words made sense to him, now.

_ “I don’t think you’re transparent, Kei. I think you’re just loved.” _

“...Hey, Tadashi?”

“..Hmm?”

“We’re in deep shit.”

“Yeah.” Tadashi chuckles, looking at Kei. “I think we’ve been in deep for longer than we realized.”

Kei felt it coming as it happened, felt it coming as he pressed his lips to Tadashi’s. He felt every single piece of his walls fall away, felt himself surrender entirely, in one fell swoop. He surrenders to chocolate ganache and freckles like sifted cinnamon, surrenders to frosting painted on his face, surrenders to tears racing down his cheeks like silver, surrenders to piercings and undercuts and leather jackets. He surrenders like his life depends on it, kissing Tadashi gently. He surrenders himself to the bakery, surrenders to everything in it, surrenders to fourteen years. He surrenders to the little kids they both were years ago, surrenders to the completely different man before him.

Kei surrenders to Tadashi, to everything they were and are and will be. And in a way, it felt like he’d surrendered a long time ago.

Kei pulls away tenderly, tragically. 

“Tadashi.” He murmurs it softly against his cheek.

“Hmm?”

“...You’re pretty cool.”

Tadashi chuckles and gives Kei a chaste kiss before he replies. 

“I think you’re pretty cool too.” 

Tadashi’s freckles remind Kei of sweetness. His kisses are like chocolate ganache, and his freckles are like sifted cinnamon. Kei surrenders himself to the sweetness. Surrenders to Tadashi, surrenders to his love. 

He’s lost track of every time he’s surrendered to Tadashi. But in a way, it feels like he’s won.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew this fic was the longest ive written to date!! also SURPRISE ive been a kurotsukki supremacist for like 4 years so idk what prompted this fic but here we are KJVSFKJ my mind was like "we stan tsukkiyama now" and then i was like "ok" and wrote all 36k of this fic in a little under a month
> 
> its been such a long ride.. holy shit bros.. im so proud of this fic and i rlly hope u liked it 
> 
> pls consider leaving a comment <3 i am big dumbus and physically exist to check every comment email i get and i dont always reply (either bc of time constraints or im drrowning in projects) but i see and love every comment i get <33
> 
> have happy and safe holidays folks !! 
> 
> for those of u who have read my works before im saying now that im taking a break from uploading, including chatfic updates, bc ive been writing daily for months on end and I Require A Break kjnsdj but still ty all so much for sticking with me through this ride <3
> 
> scream at me at tastefully-illiterate on tumblr or @senkusIut on twt (with a capital i instead of lowercase L)

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!! please consider leaving a kudos and a comment <33 (i crave validation vkfdnfn)
> 
> see you next week!
> 
> socmed: tastefully-illiterate on tumblr, @senkusIut (with an i) on twitter!


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